


This Is Where I Leave You

by realityisoverrated



Series: Infinite Love [180]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Attempted Sexual Assault, Choking, Date Rape Drug/Roofies, Drug Use, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Assault, Polyamory, Polyfidelity, References to Depression, Smoaking billionaires, Suicide Attempt, Tissue Warning, Toliver, breathing difficulties, flommy, olicity - Freeform, stranglng
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 13:26:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 34,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15996158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realityisoverrated/pseuds/realityisoverrated
Summary: Tommy Merlyn believes in two things, Oliver Queen and Felicity Smoak. For him, they are more certain than the sun rising every morning. Everything changes when he learns they have been keeping secrets about him. He begins to question everything he ever believed, including his marriage. Oliver and Felicity will have to face the consequences of their choices and fight for their marriage and Tommy. Tommy must decide if he can ever forgive Oliver and Felicity.





	This Is Where I Leave You

**Author's Note:**

> This story depicts a polyamorous relationship between one woman and two men. If this is not something you are interested in, please stop and go no further.
> 
> This is the long promised follow-up to, The Magician's Final Disappearing Act. It is with great relief and trepidation that I offer this to you.
> 
> Please take note of the warnings for this installment. There are depictions of suicide attempts and a sexual assault using date rape drugs. It has taken me seventeen months to write this because of the subject matter. Please take care of yourself as you make the decision to read this installment.
> 
> A big thank you to ENSM31 for reading this when I was full of self doubt and giving me the push to finish it.
> 
> This installment is 140/180. The chronological list for the series, with hyperlinks, can be found at 
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/11051019

Artwork by ENSM31

 

Lightning flashed and lit up the roiling ocean and inky black sky. The Sunnybrook was surrounded by a heaving sea and it was all Tommy could do to keep her from capsizing. Another bolt split the sky and he watched helplessly as a wall of water slammed into his boat. He slid across her slippery deck as the boat began to roll. Plunging into the icy water’s violent embrace, Tommy struggled amidst the swirling currents as the Sunnybrook, caught in a massive wave, passed over his head. Tommy dove to avoid getting caught in the sail, his arms and legs stroking against the powerful current. He broke the surface and took a gasping breath, there was no sign of his boat. He was alone in the middle of the dark and storm churned ocean.

“Tommy,” Oliver called out, his hand waving over his head.

The sky was illuminated by another flash of lightning and a familiar face bobbed in the waves. “Ollie,” he cried as he began swimming towards his husband.

As hard as he swam, he couldn’t seem to get any closer to Oliver. Another large wave slammed into him and when he returned to the surface, Oliver was gone. “Oliver,” he screamed over and over as he tried to find his husband.

“Oliver,” Tommy cried as he lurched upright in bed.

“I’m here. I’m here,” Oliver promised as he took Tommy into his arms. “You were having a nightmare.”

A shaking Tommy wrapped his arms around Oliver and buried his face against his husband’s chest and gasped, “You were drowning. I couldn’t reach you.”

Oliver kissed the top of his head, “I didn’t drown. I made it to the life boat.”

“Mommy,” Bobby said from the other side of their closed door.

Felicity got out of bed and opened their door, “Hey, monkey. Let’s go back to bed.”

“Da?” Bobby asked softly. “Are you okay?”

Tommy pulled out of Oliver’s arms and wiped his eyes, “I’m okay, little man. I had a bad dream.”

Bobby ran into the room and hugged Tommy, “Do you want me to read you a story?”

Tommy kissed the top of his son’s head, “Thank you, but it’s a school night and you need to go back to sleep.”

Felicity took Bobby’s hand, “Come on, I’ll lay down with you until you fall asleep.”

Tommy and Oliver watched Felicity and Bobby leave the room.

“You should sleep too,” Oliver brushed the hair from Tommy’s forehead.

Tommy laid back down and tried to slow his breathing. There was a time when Tommy had dreamed about Oliver drowning every time he’d closed his eyes, but the nightmare of Oliver slipping away into dark waters had stopped haunting him when they’d moved into Cobble Hill. The nightmares had started back up a month ago and woke him nearly every night. “Why are these dreams back?” Tommy didn’t expect an answer.

Oliver laid down next to his husband and pulled him into his arms. He began to rub circles onto Tommy’s back, “I don’t know, buddy. I don’t know.”

Tommy pressed his ear against Oliver’s chest and listened to the reassuring beat of his heart. “Ollie’s alive,” he whispered to himself like a mantra until he finally fell asleep.

 

“Robert John,” Tommy said sternly, “I’m not going to ask you again. Put your book away, we’re about to eat.” It had been a long day, made longer by his sleep deprivation, and Tommy was running out of patience. All four of the children had decided to be defiant and he’d spent the afternoon delivering timeouts like a referee during a hockey game. He was more than ready to turn the bedtime routine over to his husband and wife and relax watching baseball. Bobby continued to ignore him. “Oliver, a little help.”

“Robert,” Oliver said sharply, “you can move faster than that. You can finish after dinner.”

Bobby rose from the table with his head still buried in his book. He shuffled into the family room and hovered over the coffee table. He closed the app and dropped the tablet onto the sofa, “I only have two paragraphs left in the chapter.”

“That’s the beauty of books,” Felicity said as she lifted Prue into her booster seat, “they always wait for you to pick them back up.”

Tommy finished placing their dinner onto the serving platter and lifted the heavy plate, “Okay, family. Everyone sit down.”

He was crossing the kitchen to their farmhouse table when a bolt of lightning seared the night sky, the lights flickered, and then the power cut out. The reflection of a bald man in the rain splattered garden window stopped Tommy in his tracks. Becca let out a shrill scream. Without warning a sharp pain seized Tommy’s chest. He felt as if someone had punched him in the solar plexus and he couldn’t breathe. He lost his grip on the platter and it slipped through his fingers. The pain in his chest tightened like a vice and he saw spots in front of his eyes. Tommy’s knees buckled, and he fell to the kitchen floor. He looked down and his chest and hands were covered in blood.

The bald man leaned over Tommy with a sneer on his lips. He tried to get away from the man, using his legs to push himself across the alley – the asphalt digging into his back. The man sat across Tommy’s chest and wrapped his hands around his throat. Terror had his heart racing like a rabbit being chased by a pack of hounds.

Tommy was vaguely aware of the children screaming and Oliver and Felicity calling his name. The dirty alley was transformed back into his kitchen and Oliver’s face came into view, replacing the bald man. “Tommy, can you hear me?”

He was unable to form words as his lungs burned with the need for oxygen. His chest and hands were covered in blood. Tommy couldn’t breathe and began to panic. He’d been shot.

“Call 9-1-1,” Oliver instructed their wife.

“You’re going to be okay,” Oliver promised as he took Tommy’s hands in his.

Tommy did his best to focus on the blue of Oliver’s eyes and not the gaping hole in the center of his chest. Slowly, his lungs finally obeyed his command to take a deep breath. He gasped for air, but it still felt like a five hundred pound weight was sitting on his chest.

Oliver lowered his forehead to Tommy’s. “Stay with me,” he pleaded.

 

“All of your tests came back fine. You didn’t have a heart attack,” the doctor told Tommy.

“Thank, god,” Felicity’s grip on Tommy’s hand tightened.

“What happened?” Oliver asked tightly.

“It was a panic attack,” the doctor explained. “Have you been under a lot of stress lately, Mr. Merlyn?”

Tommy ran his hand through his hair as he thought about the children’s abduction. He couldn’t really tell the doctor that he and his children had recently been kidnapped by his dad and his husband had killed his dad with an arrow when he rescued them from a yacht in the middle of the Indian Ocean. “No more than usual,” Tommy lied.

“I’m going to prescribe a mild sedative.” The doctor smiled kindly at them, “I also recommend some relaxation – maybe a vacation.”

“Thanks, doc,” Tommy said with a shaky smile. “Can I go home?”

“I’m going to sign your discharge papers now. A nurse will be right in to release you.” The doctor shook Tommy and Oliver’s hands.

Tommy fell back against his pillow and ran a hand through his hair, “I’m cracking up. I would’ve sworn I saw a man in the window and I was covered in blood from a gunshot wound.”

“You’re not cracking up,” Oliver squeezed Tommy’s leg. “It’s probably everything that happened with Malcolm catching up with you. He died in front of you. Maybe you’re still trying to process it.”

He wasn’t sure if Oliver was right. It didn’t feel like he was processing Malcolm’s death. If anything, it felt like the opposite of finding closure. The man in the window wasn’t his dad, but he wasn’t a stranger either. Every time he tried to pull the man from his memory he slipped through his fingers like smoke. Tommy was falling apart. The look of worry on Oliver and Felicity’s faces reminded him of who was waiting for him at home. “I’ve probably scarred our kids for life,” Tommy said guiltily.

“They’ll be fine once they see you,” Felicity promised.

Oliver placed Tommy’s clothes on the foot of his bed, “Come on, get dressed. I want to get you home.”

 

Tommy opened their bedroom door to find all four children in his bed. As if they’d rehearsed, all four heads turned towards him and their faces lit up with matching smiles. “Da,” they exclaimed.

“Hey, monkeys,” he grinned as he sat on the foot of his bed.

The children tackled him and he allowed himself to be pulled onto his back as they smothered him with hugs and kisses. All the stress and anxiety from earlier in the evening melted away as his children surrounded him with their love.

“Are you okay, da?” Bobby asked.

“I’m okay,” Tommy promised. “I just got a little dizzy. I’m sorry I scared you.”

“It’s okay, da,” Becca kissed his cheek. “Put your jammies on. We’ll sing to you.”

“I’d like that.” Tommy kissed each child on the cheek before getting off the bed. “Did everyone brush their teeth?”

Four sets of guilty eyes looked at him. He gestured to his bathroom, “Come on, we’ll brush them together.”

 

Tommy quietly slipped from his bed, and gently lifted the twins into his arms. He didn’t trust himself to spend the night with the children in his bed, not with his nightmares. The twins didn’t stir as he carefully placed them both into Prue’s crib. It seemed pointless to place Nate in his own, since he always managed to find his way into Prue’s by morning. Tommy stroked the tops of their heads and wondered at the connection his children had. They’d started their lives together. They’d grown together in Felicity’s womb with the comforting sound of each other’s heartbeat. It shouldn’t be surprising that they couldn’t bear being separated from one another. There was a part of him that envied their connection. As much as he wouldn’t wish Malcolm as a father on anyone else, and as much as he had Oliver and Thea growing up, there was a part of him that wished he’d had a small part of what his own children were growing up with. There had been years of lonely nights in the empty mansion with only servants for company. What he wouldn’t have given to have a sister or brother to make those years less lonely. He kissed the twins’ foreheads and returned to his room to return B2 to their own beds.

After Bobby and Becca were tucked in, Tommy went to his bathroom to take a sedative. He hoped that the pill would help him have a dreamless sleep. He fumbled slightly with the childproof cap before tapping a pill into his palm. Steam from Oliver’s recent shower clung to the mirror and Tommy ran the sleeve of his shirt across the glass. Beads of condensation slowly rolled down the mirror towards the counter. He filled a glass of water, placed the pill on his tongue and greedily drank the water. As he returned the glass to the counter, he saw the same bald man from the kitchen reflected in the mirror. He spun to face the shower, but the bathroom was empty, he was alone. Tommy squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath.

The sound of a heavy base club beat thrummed at the base of Tommy’s skull. Someone’s hands were rough on his skin, tugging at his clothes, pushing into his pants. A musky smell filled his nostrils and he tried to turn away from it. His chest ached with loneliness and fear as he tried to escape the press of an unfamiliar body against his own.

Tommy’s eyes flew open, and he bent over at the waist, gasping for breath. He clung to the edge of the sink, and filled it with cold water. He splashed the cool water against his face, desperate to clear his mind of the images he couldn’t grab hold of and the feeling that wouldn’t leave him. Whatever was going on with him was more than processing his dad’s death. He feared that something had snapped within him and that he was losing his mind.

He stood at the foot of his empty bed and stared at it. Oliver and Felicity were working a case. He didn’t want to be alone, but he didn’t want to listen to the details of whatever criminal investigation they were working on. He had enough disturbing images floating through his head.

“Hey,” Oliver said softly. “What are you doing up?”

“I put the kids back into their own beds,” Tommy answered. “Are you coming to bed?” he asked hopefully.

“I was going to put the kids back to bed,” Oliver answered.

“Oh,” Tommy was unable to hide his disappointment.

“Do you want me to stay with you until you fall back to sleep?” Oliver asked, taking a step towards his husband.

Tommy knew he should tell Oliver that he was fine, and that he should go back downstairs to help Felicity, but he couldn’t. “Yes,” he said instead.

Oliver smiled, took Tommy’s hand, and led him to bed. Tommy climbed beneath the covers and slid over, leaving enough room for Oliver. He turned onto his side and snuggled against his husband, inhaling deeply. Oliver’s familiar scent filled his senses and forced the musky smell from his memory. He took comfort that he was always safe in Oliver’s arms. Tommy kissed Oliver’s chest, “I love you.” He wanted to tell Oliver about his hallucinations of the man, but the words wouldn’t come. He feared it wasn’t a hallucination and knew that Oliver would dig until they discovered the truth. Tommy wasn’t sure he wanted to know the truth.

Oliver kissed the top of Tommy’s head before he began to card his fingers through his hair. “I love you,” Oliver responded. “Get some sleep. Everything will feel better in the morning.”

“Hey, Ollie? Is Team Arrow working an assault case?” he asked. He wondered if the disturbing images he was having were because his subconscious was absorbing details of whatever case Oliver and Felicity were working on. Over the years, Tommy had learned to tune Oliver and Felicity out when they discussed the gruesome details of their work. Maybe this time, he wasn’t doing a good enough job of tuning them out.

“An assault?” Oliver asked.

“Yeah, an assault – or - a rape?”

“No, we’re working on something for the JL – a new weapon has made it onto the streets in Hub City. We’re trying to track down some components. Why?”

“No reason,” he tried to hide his disappointment. He was hoping for a simple answer to his terrible waking nightmares. “I must’ve heard something on the news and thought it was one of yours.” Tommy yawned.

Oliver pressed his lips to Tommy’s forehead. “Close your eyes. You’re safe. The kids are safe. We’re all together.”

Tommy closed his eyes and allowed himself to fall asleep.

 

The only light in the kitchen was coming from over the sink. Felicity sat at the table, spinning her phone in front of her. She didn’t acknowledge Oliver when he stepped into the kitchen, but he knew she’d heard him. “The kids are all back in their beds. Tommy fell back asleep,” he informed her.

“Good, he needs to sleep,” Felicity responded with a tight smile.

“Did you speak with Zatanna?” he asked as he sat down.

“Yeah,” Felicity said barely above a whisper. “She’s not sure what’s going on. Tommy’s original memories should be gone. He shouldn’t be remembering what happened.”

Oliver sat down and took Felicity’s hand, “I’ve been thinking about that. What if the water from the Lazarus Pit interfered?”

“Maybe.” Felicity lowered her head to their joined hands, “We know nothing about how the water from the Lazarus Pit works. We know nothing about Zatanna’s abilities.” She lifted her head, “We have to tell him.”

“Felicity,” Oliver sighed.

“Oliver. He thinks he’s cracking up. Our children were terrified tonight. He was terrified – so was I.” Felicity let go of his hand, “I asked Zatanna to come tomorrow. I’m sending the jet. She’s going to see if she can figure out what’s going on. If she can restore his memories, I think she should.”

Deep down, Oliver knew Felicity was right. Tommy’s panic attack and his nightmares were signs that the memory wipe was failing. Tommy’s memories were fighting to break free, and Oliver was worried their decision was going to inflict lasting damage on their husband. Oliver wasn’t sure whether Tommy’s current state was worse than he was before they asked Zatanna to wipe his memory. “Felicity, I want us to tell him that I did it. It was done and over with by the time you found out.”

“That’s a lie. We made the decision together,” Felicity said sternly.

“When he learns what we’ve done, he’ll never forgive us. For the sake of our children, we need to tell him you had nothing to do with it,” Oliver said quietly.

“I won’t let you sacrifice yourself for me,” Felicity said.

“I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for our family,” Oliver answered.

“Yes, he’ll be angry – furious, but we’ll make him understand. Once he calms down, he’ll listen to us,” Felicity said with certainty. “Once he remembers, I don’t think we’ll have to explain.”

Oliver wished he could have Felicity’s absolute faith. In the fifteen years of their relationship, Felicity had never needed Tommy’s forgiveness. Over the past forty years, Oliver had needed Tommy’s forgiveness more times than he could count. His husband loved him, of that Oliver had no doubt, but he feared, this time, he’d crossed the line that Tommy would never forgive. “Please, Felicity. Think about it. Think about our children.”

“I won’t compound one lie with another. He loves us. Tommy will understand, and he will forgive us. Have faith – in him – in our marriage,” Felicity smiled bravely.

“Let’s go to bed,” Oliver stood up and Felicity joined him. They walked arm and arm up the stairs and to their bedroom. Tommy was asleep in their bed. Oliver squeezed his eyes shut as he committed the image to memory. After tomorrow, he didn’t know if his happy life would vanish.

 

Tommy’s eyes opened to pitch darkness. He rolled over in an unfamiliar bed. It took him a moment to remember he was in the hospital. He struggled to sit up as a wave of nausea and dizziness ran through him. It had been four days since he’d had any drugs or alcohol and he was wrecked. He’d stopped vomiting the day before, so things were slightly better than completely sucking. Unfortunately, his sobriety meant that the doctors were expecting him to confront his feelings. The last thing Tommy wanted to do was confront his feelings. He didn’t think he could survive the pain.

He staggered from the bed to get a glass of water. He closed his eyes when the harsh glare from the bathroom light blinded him. The bathroom was dingy, and moisture clung to the mirror and porcelain surfaces. He instinctively reached for the taps and the plastic cup on his sink, but the unfamiliar surroundings had him knocking the cup and his toothbrush to the floor. He opened his eyes and bent over to retrieve his belongings. When he stood straight, another wave of dizziness had him grabbing the sink to stay upright. The strong antiseptic smell made his mouth fill with saliva and his stomach lurched. He breathed through his mouth to keep himself from vomiting. Tommy splashed cold water onto his face, trying to regain some element of control over his rebelling body. As he reached for a towel, he caught someone staring at him in the mirror. The man was slightly older than him with a shaved head and he was smiling seductively. Like an elusive word on the tip of his tongue, Tommy recognized the man but couldn’t place him. Tommy had been having nightmares that featured the man for weeks.

“Stay away from me.” Tommy squeezed his eyes shut and chanted, over and over, “You’re not real.”

When he found the courage to open his eyes, the image in the mirror had changed. “Ollie,” he gasped, pivoting to face his friend. Instead of seeing Oliver, he was confronted with the reality that he was very much alone. Oliver was dead. Oliver had been dead for two and half years and he was never coming home. Oliver had left him behind.

Tommy was angry. He was beyond angry. He was filled with a fury the likes of which he’d never come close to experiencing. No matter how angry he’d ever been at his father, his anger had always been tempered by fear, but now, as he stood in thin hospital pajama pants on a grimy tile floor, he was fuming. He was angry at Oliver for getting on the Gambit. He was angry at himself for not stopping Oliver. He was furious at Oliver for dying on him and leaving him alone.

“Oliver,” Tommy cried from the depth of his broken and battered soul. If grief alone could summon the soul of a loved one, surely Tommy’s grief was endless enough to bring Oliver to him. “Oliver.”

Tommy’s breath came in short rapid pants as his fists clenched at his sides. His cries for Oliver had done nothing to ease the aching in his heart. He feared he would be consumed by it. The cup on the edge of the sink was the first casualty of his rage, he hit it with force, but the sound of it slamming to the floor did nothing to allay his fury.

He returned to his bedroom screaming, “No.” He tossed his pillows across the room, and then pulled the sheets and blankets from his bed, but it wasn’t enough. He lifted the mattress from the bed, and tipped it to the floor. The hospital bed’s heavy frame was the next casualty of his fury as he tipped it on its side. He pulled his clothing from his drawers and knocked the dresser over.

Spittle flew from his mouth as he continued to scream. His skin felt like it was on fire and he couldn’t breathe. He wrenched the blinds from the wall and tried to open his window, but it was bolted shut. Desperate, he turned to assess his room for something that could help him. The orange plastic chair with uneven metal legs caught his attention. He lifted the chair and, with all his strength, smashed the chair legs into the window. It took three hits before the tempered glass and wooden frame gave way. The cool Colorado mountain air rushed in and Tommy desperately tried to fill his lungs. He was vaguely aware of the men rushing into his room. “I can’t breathe,” he shouted as he pulled himself onto the windowsill before the men could climb over his dresser and mattress to restrain him. He stepped onto the edge of the window, his hands still holding the window frame. The bite of glass into his hands and feet was dull in comparison to the pain in his chest. Tommy gulped for air, and the world came back into focus.

The Rocky Mountains glowed in the moonlight. Tommy couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen something so beautiful. The full moon hung in the sky like a jewel. He tried to focus on the silver light and not the five story drop to the ground below. It would be so easy to step off the edge, after all, he’d been hanging from it for months. He returned his eyes to the moon and tried to fill his lungs. If he could only breathe, everything would be all right. The wind cut through Tommy’s thin pajamas and he shivered. His blood pounded in his ears, but he thought he could hear a second heart beating along with his. “Oliver?” he asked the moon. He could hear a gentle voice calling his name. She sounded familiar but didn’t belong there. Something was wrong – something was off. He could hear children’s laughter, and his eyes strained to find them in the moonlight. He had no doubt that the children were his, but that wasn’t possible, he didn’t have any children. In the distance, he saw five children playing in the snow. They didn’t belong there. They shouldn’t be there. It wasn’t safe. The children looked up as he called out to them, gesturing for him to join them. They ran towards him, but the landscape shifted. The children were no longer running through snow but through the Glades as it crumbled around them. Adrenalin flooded his system when the children kept running, despite his warnings to stop. He lunged forward to catch them, but the building he was in collapsed beneath his feet. Tommy began to fall through darkness.

“It’s not safe,” Tommy shouted, falling from their bed, the sheets and blanket twisting around his legs. He struggled to free himself as he shook with the nightmarish images that had awakened him.

“Tommy,” Oliver and Felicity said as they rushed to his side.

He was crying, and continued to struggle with freeing his legs, but he couldn’t face his husband and wife. Memories he’d done his best to push to the back of his mind were rushing back, and he couldn’t face them. No matter what was causing him to crack up, there were some things he could never speak about. Colorado was going with him to the grave.

He held his arm out to keep his spouses from touching him. “I’m okay,” he panted. “I just need a minute.”

Oliver and Felicity sat on the floor beside him and waited.

 

The doorbell rang as Oliver finished packing Bobby’s lunch. “Emma must’ve forgotten her key,” he said.

“I’ll get it,” Bobby said jumping from his chair.

Tommy didn’t look up from feeding Prue, but he pointed to Bobby’s chair, “Finish your breakfast.”

Oliver stood in front of the door, reluctant to open it. He’d been awake all night worrying about Tommy and what they’d done. His greeting was less than enthusiastic, “Zatanna.”

Zatanna kissed him on both cheeks, “You look terrible, Oliver.”

“Wait until you see Tommy,” Oliver said. “Did you have a good trip?”

“A private jet, what’s to complain about?” she said with an uneasy smile.

“Come on, everyone’s eating breakfast,” he said, leading her back to the kitchen.

“Good morning, little Smoaks,” Zatanna said cheerfully. She placed her hands onto Tommy’s shoulders as she addressed the children, “I’m sorry to interrupt but I need your mommy and daddy’s help with something.”

Becca launched into an elaborate tale about what had happened at school the day before. Zatanna nodded and asked Becca questions, but her hands never left Tommy’s shoulders. Oliver and Felicity watched their friend for any clues.

“Kindergarten sounds very exciting,” Zatanna told Becca as she dropped her hands to her sides. “Felicity, could I bother you for a cup of coffee before I ask my favor?”

“Will you be okay if we disappear for a few minutes?” Felicity asked Tommy.

Tommy lifted Prue from her high chair, “Tha`t’s fine. Who are we to interfere with the JL?”

“I’ll be five minutes, I promise,” Zatanna said with a smile.

As soon as Felicity’s office door closed behind them, Oliver asked, “Well?”

Zatanna frowned, “I’m sorry. I don’t understand how, but his memories are reasserting themselves. I spoke to Constantine while I was traveling here. He thinks that the healing properties from the Lazarus Pit prevented Tommy’s memories from being rewritten. It’s almost like I painted over them and the paint is peeling.”

“It’s been months, since he was exposed to the pit. If you tried again, would that work?” Oliver asked, desperate for a solution that didn’t involve coming clean.

“Don’t answer that,” Felicity said before Zatanna could speak. “Can you remove the memories you inserted?”

“Yes,” Zatanna answered.

“Will his original memories return?” Felicity asked.

Zatanna hesitated, “Yes – they were never really gone.”

The hairs on the back of Oliver’s neck stood on end and his friend’s hesitation. “What?”

“This morning, I could sense other memories – dark memories - trying to push through. Tommy’s mind – it’s chaotic and confused. I don’t know if the memories I sensed were suppressed or long forgotten, but I think the combination of the waters from the Lazarus Pit and my powers might be bringing back memories that Tommy hasn’t remembered in years, if ever.”

“If you remove the memories you added, will that help with the chaos you sensed?” Oliver asked. He didn’t want the depression that had been haunting Tommy immediately after his exposure to the Lazarus Pit to return, but what Tommy was experiencing now was more terrifying. Every night, in his dreams, Tommy’s mind seemed to be fracturing.

“It should help – some,” Zatanna said hesitantly. “I think his brain is trying to deal with two competing memories on a subconscious level. It’s possible the nightmares and panic attacks are being caused by Tommy trying to reconcile them. If I remove the memories I gave him, it will help, but it’s those other memories, I can’t predict how he’ll react. He suffered years of abuse at the hands of his father. He self-medicated with drugs and alcohol.” She squeezed her eyes shut, a lone tear ran down her cheek. “What he’s remembering, they’re not happy memories.”

Felicity stared at Oliver, tears filling her eyes. “We have to face this. We did this to him, no matter what our intentions were, he’s suffering now.”

Oliver knew Felicity was right. Tommy didn’t deserve what he was going through. He needed to hear the truth from them. “We’ll tell him what we did, and then we’ll let him decide for himself if he wants Zatanna to take away the fake memories.”

Felicity’s folded hands pressed against her lips. “He’ll forgive us. He will.”

Oliver was certain that Felicity was trying to convince herself as much as him.

 

The living room doors slid opened and Oliver and Felicity stepped inside. Tommy heard the front door open and close, signaling Zatanna’s departure. That morning, after Bobby and Becca had left for school and Donna had taken the twins to the park, Felicity and Oliver had confessed that they’d asked Zatanna to alter his memories of the kidnapping, not just the children’s. It felt like the floor had given way beneath his feet. Everything he’d always believed about his husband, his wife, and their marriage, might all have been a lie.

Zatanna explained that his exposure to the Lazarus Pit had prevented her from eliminating Tommy’s real memories and they were merely repressed. His memories had been struggling to break free, which was the cause of his nightmares and panic attacks. Zatanna had also warned him that there were more memories trying to break free – memories that had either been lost to him because of excessive drug and alcohol use or he’d spent decades repressing them.

Tommy’s head was swimming with the memories Zatanna had returned to him. He felt weak, like his legs couldn’t bear his weight under the knowledge of what he’d done and what had been done to him. The betrayal of the two people he loved most in the world was like a raw and gaping wound in the center of his chest and it felt like he was back on the deck of the yacht bleeding out.

“Tommy, are you okay?” Oliver asked hesitantly.

Tommy shook his head and scoffed. He gathered all his courage and tried to maintain calm as he faced the two people he always believed he could trust. “Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to talk and the both of you are going to listen.”

“Okay,” Oliver and Felicity said in unison. Felicity sat on the sofa, but Oliver chose to remain on his feet.

“I need both of you to go upstairs and pack a bag. Find a QC office to visit or a criminal you can chase with the Justice League. Frankly, I don’t care where you go – you just can’t be here.” Felicity started to speak, but Tommy held up his hand, “You can wait until the kids get home and tell them you’re going on a business trip, but you can’t stay here tonight.”

“Tommy, let’s talk about this,” Oliver pleaded.

“You should’ve talked to me before you did this. There is nothing that either of you can say that will make me understand or get me to forgive you.”

“Don’t. Please, don’t say that,” Felicity begged.

“How can I ever trust either of you again? How can I be with you, if I can never trust you again?” Tommy asked sadly.

“You can trust us,” Oliver began to say.

Tommy exploded with anger, “How? Tell me, Ollie. How can I ever trust you or my own memories ever again? How do I know that you won’t go to Zatanna and asked her to change my memories after you leave here? How do I know there aren’t other memories you asked her to take and she didn’t give me back?”

“I would never do that,” Oliver shouted.

“But you did. You did,” Tommy shouted back.

“I asked - not Felicity - I asked Zatanna to take away memories that were hurting you – not to protect me – not to hide our actions, but to protect you. You remember now – you know you weren’t okay -   you were hurting yourself,” Oliver said desperately.

“No,” Tommy jabbed his finger at Oliver, “you don’t get to blame me for this. This was your choice. You decided what I am and not able to feel and cope with. I have a right to know that I killed my own father. I have a right to know that I was shot and that water from the Lazarus Pit saved my life.”

“It was okay for us to change Bobby and Becca’s memories because they were in pain, but not yours?” Oliver challenged.

“They are children. We make life and death decisions for them every day.” Tommy stepped closer to his husband, “I’m your husband, not your son. We’re partners. We make decisions together. This isn’t your team – you don’t get to make unilateral decisions about me.”

“I won’t apologize,” Oliver said defiantly. “I won’t apologize for using water from the Pit. I was never going to let you die and it was fucking selfish of you to ask us to let you die.”

“God, you sound just like my dad. It’s for your own good, Thomas,” Tommy said in perfect imitation of Malcolm. He closed his eyes and dropped his head, “If we keep fighting, this won’t end anywhere good. We have five kids to think about and I won’t make this harder on them than it’s already going to be.”

Felicity gasped, “End? What are you saying? Are you saying you want a divorce?”

Tears flooded Tommy’s eyes. No, he didn’t want a divorce, but he felt like they’d given him no choice. “I don’t know. I need some time to figure things out and I can’t be near you to do that.”

Felicity began to cry, “You’re asking me to leave our children and disappear.”

“No,” he said, his anger diminishing at his wife’s distress, “I’m asking you to give me some space while I figure this out. You and Ollie leaving on a business trip will be less disruptive to the kids and their routine, and the press won’t catch on.”

Felicity began to cry harder.

“Babe,” Tommy knelt in front of her and took her hand, “I swear, I’m never going to keep you from our children, but I can’t be with you right now.”

“I love you,” Felicity clutched his hand to her breast.

“I know you do. I know you both do.” Tommy cleared his throat, “I love both of you, but I don’t know how to move past this.”

“Asking us to leave – sending us away – we’ll never be able to fix this,” Felicity held his hand tighter.

He removed his hand from her grasp, “I honestly don’t know if we can fix this, but I know I need to breathe before I can try.”

“Do you even want to fix this?” Oliver challenged. “Are you saying you just need time to soften the blow. Have you already decided that our marriage is over?”

“I’m asking for a week, maybe two, so I don’t say it’s over. I don’t want to lose our life, but it feels like it’s already gone. I don’t know if it’s because I’m so hurt, or because it’s really what I need to do.”

“No,” Felicity shook her head. “This isn’t how we handle things. Oliver and I, we messed up, but we’re not leaving.” She clasped Tommy’s face, “You and me, we don’t leave. After fifteen years, we’re not starting now. It’s you and me until the wheels come off.”

Felicity’s words were everything he wanted to hear but he was terrified that they might no longer be true. It seemed impossible, but the wheels might finally have come off. He dropped his head into her lap and began to cry. His resolve wavering, he whispered his agreement, “Okay.”

Oliver kissed the top of Tommy and Felicity’s heads. “I’ll call Thea and ask if the kids can stay there. We’re going to talk this out.”

 

“How long are we staying at Auntie Thea’s?” Becca asked as she bounced on Prue’s bed.

Felicity added pajamas to Prue’s suitcase, “Just a couple of days.”

“Why aren’t you coming with us?” Becca asked.

“Your dads and I have some work to do and we’re going to be out late. It’s better for you guys if you’re with your cousins,” Felicity answered, robotically.

“Ready?” Oliver asked. He was carrying a suitcase for Bobby and Becca. “Do you want me to take those?”

Felicity zipped Prue’s suitcase, “No, I’m good.”

“You forgot Pengu,” Oliver nodded towards Nate’s stuffed penguin.

Tears stung Felicity’s eyes as she reached for Nate’s penguin. She wondered if this would be their life if they couldn’t fix their marriage – packing the children’s suitcases and shuttling them back and forth between houses.

“Becca, go downstairs and put your shoes on. Your mom and I will be right down,” Oliver said firmly.

Becca looked nervously between her parents, but didn’t argue and ran from the room.

Oliver put down the suitcases and took Felicity into his arms, “Hon, it’s going to be all right. They’ll be with Thea for two nights, he’ll get to shout, we’ll make up, and the kids will come home.”

“What if you’re wrong? What if he doesn’t forgive us?” she asked through her tears. Up until the moment she saw the look of devastation on Tommy’s face when they’d told him the truth, Felicity had believed that they’d be able to work through the current crisis together. When she’d seen Tommy’s face, ice cold dread took up permanent residence in her chest. She now realized there was a good chance they wouldn’t receive Tommy’s forgiveness.

“He’s angry. He’s entitled to be angry. Once he processes what happened, he’ll realize we did the right thing.” Oliver kissed the top of her head. “Go wash your face. Roy will be here in a few minutes.”

Felicity shoved Nate’s penguin into his suitcase, “I’ll be right down.”

Oliver picked up all four suitcases, “This family has survived worse. This is a blip.”

Felicity attempted a brave smile, “You’re right. Of course, you’re right.”

After washing her face and brushing her hair, Felicity joined the rest of her family on the first floor. Tommy was in the kitchen packing a cooler with food for Prue. She bit her lip to stop herself from reminding him that Thea’s kitchen was always stocked with Prue’s favorite foods. Tommy didn’t need to be reminded. He was keeping his hands busy to keep from falling apart.

Bobby was seated on a kitchen stool watching Tommy like a hawk. He was pale and looked like he was about to pass out. Felicity placed her lips to his forehead, “Do you feel okay, baby?”

Tommy looked up from the cooler, “Does he have a fever?”

“No,” Felicity shook her head, “but he’s clammy.”

The doorbell rang followed by Oliver letting Roy inside.

“Do you have an upset tummy?” Tommy asked, the back of his hand pressed against Bobby’s forehead.

“Hey, guys,” Roy said to the twins. “What are you two doing?”

Nate handed his uncle one of the trucks he and Prue were playing with.

“What’s going on?” Oliver asked with concern.

“Bobby feels clammy to me,” Felicity answered.

“You feeling okay, little man?” Oliver asked, his hand cupping Bobby’s cheek.

“Why are we really going to Uncle Roy’s?” Bobby asked without taking his eyes from Tommy.

“Your mom, dad and I have to attend some work things. We won’t be home until late,” Oliver answered.

“Why can’t gram and gramps watch us here, like always?” Bobby asked, playing with a button on Tommy’s cuff.

“Gram and gramps are busy,” Felicity said, hating the feel of the lie in her mouth. “Besides, you’ll get to have fun with your cousins.”

Bobby grabbed hold of Tommy’s shirt. He peered up into his dad’s face, his eyes filling with tears, “Are you dying?”

Tommy flinched, “What?”

“Are you dying?” Bobby asked again, his tears coming faster.

Tommy lifted Bobby into his arms, “Why would you ask that? I’m not dying.”

Bobby looped his arms around his dad’s neck, “But you fell down and went to the hospital.”

Tommy crushed Bobby to his chest, “I’m so sorry I scared you. I’m not dying. I promise you, I’m not dying.”

Bobby lifted his head, “You’re not sending us to Uncle Roy’s so you can die?”

Becca threw her arms around Tommy’s waist and began to sob. The twins looked at their sibling, then at each other and began to cry.

“Hey, hey, guys,” Tommy said, lowering himself to the floor, “come here.” The kids surrounded him as they wept. He used the sleeve of his sweater to wipe their faces, “I need all of you to listen to me. Are you listening to me?”

Felicity put her fist to her mouth to stop herself from sobbing. She looked to Oliver who looked as guilty as she felt. They’d done this. They’d been directly responsible for Tommy collapsing in front of their children and making their children think their dad was dying.

“I know it was scary when I fell down, but I’m okay now. The doctor at the hospital said that I’m okay. We’re not sending you to Aunt Thea’s so I can die,” Tommy said emphatically.

“Do you pr-promise?” Bobby stammered.

Tommy clasped Bobby’s face, “Robert John Smoak, I promise you. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you guys – I’d miss you too much.”

Bobby collapsed against Tommy and wept. Tommy pulled all four children into a hug and kissed the top of their heads. “I love you guys so much. Everything is okay. Everything is okay.”

Oliver knelt on the floor behind the children. He placed his hand on the back of Tommy’s neck, “How about everyone sleeps here tonight and we can go to Aunt Thea’s in the morning?”

Tommy and the children all nodded their heads.

Roy took hold of Felicity’s hand and led her through the foyer and into her office. When he closed the door behind her, he asked, “What the hell are you guys doing?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted. Felicity was terrified. Her family was slipping through her fingers and she didn’t know if it was within her power to hold them all together. “Everything is such a mess. We screwed up. Tommy is so mad. He looked at me like I was a monster. He’s never looked at me that way before.” She covered her face, “I don’t know what we’re going to do.”

Roy hugged her, “I don’t know what to tell you. Thea and I will do whatever you need, but I don’t know if sending the kids out of the house is the right move for Tommy or for them.”

“We can’t say what we need to say if the kids are here. We’re going to need to fight if we’re going to save this marriage. The longer Tommy stews, the worse it’s going to be,” she said as she clung to Roy.

“You know what you need to do. Call me tomorrow and I’ll come back and get the kids, whenever you’re ready.” He kissed her cheek, “No matter what, I love you.”

Felicity smiled through her tears, “Thank you. I love you too.”

Felicity opened the office door and followed Roy to the front door, “One of us will call in the morning. I’m sorry we made you drive all the way here.”

“You don’t need to apologize. That’s what brothers are for.” He hugged her again, “Good night. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Felicity closed the door and locked it behind him. She returned to the kitchen to find it empty. The open cooler drew her attention and she began to return Prue’s food to the fridge. Exhaustion made her movements sluggish. She felt like she could sleep for days. After wiping the counters down, she made her way upstairs.

The children were in their pajamas and already in their parents’ bed. Tess was lying between Becca and Bobby. Nate was next to Bobby with Prue on his other side. Oliver walked past Felicity with a handful of books. “Okay, I got everyone’s pick.”

Tommy left their bathroom and climbed into bed next to Becca. Oliver got in next to Prue and gestured to Felicity to join them. Felicity shook her head, “Start without me. I’m going to put my pajamas on.”

“Hurry, mommy,” Becca said through a yawn. “I want you to read my story.”

“I’ll be right out,” Felicity promised.

Felicity quickly shut the bathroom door behind her. She quickly turned the sink on, pressed a hand towel to her lips, and began to cry.

 

Oliver remained still as he tried to ascertain what had woken him from his sleep. It took only a moment for him to realize that Tommy was whimpering in his sleep. He rolled onto his side, reached across Felicity, and took hold of Tommy’s arm. “Buddy?” he whispered.

“No,” Tommy wrenched free from Oliver’s touch in his sleep, “don’t touch me.”

The hair on the back of Oliver’s neck stood up when Tommy made a noise like a wounded animal. He got onto his elbow and reached for his husband. “Tommy,” he said firmly.

Another anguished cry left Tommy’s lips. “Please – stop. Don’t touch me.”

Felicity’s eyes opened and met Oliver’s gaze. She turned to face Tommy and placed her hand on his stomach.

“No, you’re hurting me,” Tommy cried fearfully. “You’re hurting me.”

Oliver sprang over the bed and crouched by Tommy’s side. He caressed Tommy’s cheek. “Tommy, wake up. You’re having a nightmare. Wake up.”

“No,” Tommy desperately screamed, his arms and legs flailing in his sleep. “Get off me.”

“Tommy,” Felicity said, her lips pressed against his ears. “You’re home. You’re safe. Oliver and I are here.”

Tommy bolted upright with another agonized, “No,” parting his lips. His body shook as his head turned from side to side.

“Tommy?” Oliver asked softly.

“Oh, god,” Tommy cried as he launched himself from their bed and disappeared into their bathroom.

Oliver and Felicity followed him, the sounds of Tommy vomiting adding urgency to their movements. Oliver froze in the doorway, but Felicity rushed by him, turning the night light on as she did. She knelt beside Tommy rubbing his back and whispering soothing words as he emptied the contents of his stomach.

Oliver thought they were having an earthquake until he realized that he was shaking, not their home. His skin was covered in goosebumps as he stood helplessly in the wake of Tommy’s nightmare. His husband’s screams had been like a knife to his psyche. Oliver had witnessed many deaths but had only heard the kind of screams that Tommy had made in his nightmare by someone being tortured. He assumed that Tommy was dreaming about Malcolm, but Oliver had never seen Tommy react so violently to a nightmare about his dad before. This was different. Oliver couldn’t shake the fear that their choice had caused irreparable harm to Tommy’s mind.

Felicity’s voice penetrated Oliver’s paralysis. “Oliver, please get me a wet washcloth.”

Oliver quickly did as he was asked. He handed Felicity the cool cloth and watched as she placed it on the back of Tommy’s neck. Tommy had stopped vomiting, but he was shaking violently. Felicity looked up at Oliver. Even in the low light of the bathroom, the concern was clear in her eyes.

Oliver knelt on Tommy’s other side. “Buddy,” he said gently. “Can you stand up?”

Tommy shook his head and through chattering teeth said, “Help me.” The haunted look in Tommy’s eyes indicated he needed more than physical help from his spouses.

Felicity gasped softly at the broken sound of Tommy’s voice. She took the cloth from his neck and moved to the sink.

Oliver put his arms around Tommy and helped him to stand. “I’ve got you,” Oliver promised as he led Tommy on unsteady feet to the sink.

Tommy accepted the glass of water Felicity held out to him. She placed her hands over Tommy’s as he struggled to lift the glass to his lips with his trembling hands. Oliver shifted so that his chest was pressed against Tommy’s back. His arms banded across Tommy’s chest to steady his shaking limbs. After Tommy rinsed his mouth, Oliver guided him back to their bed.

Tommy’s heels dug into the floor and he shook his head as his body’s tremors increased. “No, I can’t,” he said through chattering teeth.

“Do you want to go downstairs?” Felicity asked. “We can watch a movie.”

Tommy nodded his head but remained silent.

“Bobby,” Felicity said with surprise as she opened their bedroom door.

Bobby sat on the floor outside their room with a book and his teddy bear on his lap. His cheeks were wet as he looked up at his parents with concern.

“I’m okay,” Tommy said as he tried to stand up under his own power. “I had a bad dream.”

“You were sick, I heard you,” Bobby said as he scrambled to his feet.

“Let’s get you back in bed,” Felicity said lifting him into her arms.

“No, I want to stay with da,” Bobby said, reaching for his dad.

“Go with your mom, I’ll check on you in a few minutes. I promise,” Tommy said, his weight returning to Oliver’s side.

“I’m going to get your dad a cup of tea to settle his tummy,” Oliver said before Bobby could protest. “He’ll come see you as soon as he finishes his tea.”

Bobby nodded his head, but he watched his dads over his shoulder as they followed him down the hallway.

Oliver held Tommy against his side as they slowly made their way downstairs. He lowered Tommy to the sofa and turned the gas fireplace on. “Would you like some tea?” he asked, wrapping his shivering husband in a blanket.

When Tommy didn’t respond, Oliver knelt between his legs and ran his hands up and down the sides of his thighs. His heart clenched when Tommy’s eyes went wide with panic. He removed his hands and clenched them against his own thighs. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Tommy shook his head but managed to whisper, “It was the Gambit.”

Oliver’s eyes narrowed at Tommy’s lie. Oliver knew what Tommy’s Gambit nightmares sounded like, and what he’d just witnessed had nothing to do with his own drowning. Tommy’s nightmare hadn’t been about grief, it had been about fear and pain. “Someone was hurting you. Was it Malcolm?”

Tommy averted his eyes, “Hurting me?”

“You were crying out in your sleep. Someone was hurting you. You were asking them to stop. You sounded afraid and like you were in pain.” Oliver lowered his head to Tommy’s, “Tell me. Who was hurting you?”

Tommy’s hands twisted in the blanket. “I don’t remember. It must’ve been my dad.”

Tommy’s words filled Oliver with dread. His husband was lying about something. He had an uneasy feeling that maybe the person hurting Tommy in his dreams hadn’t been Malcolm. “You can tell me anything,” Oliver reminded him. “Who was hurting you?”

“I know, Ollie, but I don’t remember what I was dreaming about,” Tommy said evasively.

Oliver had to bite his tongue to stop himself from challenging Tommy. He didn’t believe that Tommy would have such a strong reaction to a nightmare and not remember what was making him tremble in Oliver’s arms. He worried that Tommy felt so betrayed by his spouses’ choice that his subconscious was viewing their betrayal as a physical assault. “Was it me?” he asked. “Was I hurting you?”

Tommy’s head jerked back and he made eye contact with Oliver for the first time since he woke up screaming. “No, Ollie. I don’t remember my dream, but I know it wasn’t you. You would never hurt me.” He caressed Oliver’s cheek, before jerking it back. “You are my safe place.” His eyes slid away, and he lowered his voice, “You were my safe place.”

Oliver took Tommy’s hand and pressed it to his lips. “I know that you’re angry with me, but Tommy, I will always be your safe place. I love you.”

“I love you,” Tommy said, covering his eyes with his hands, “and I know you’d never hurt me physically, but I don’t feel safe right now. I’m sharing my bed with people I don’t trust.”

Tommy’s words made Oliver want to scream and rage against the situation they were in. The thought that Tommy felt unsafe with Oliver was breaking his heart. His whole life, all he’d ever wanted to do was make Tommy feel safe and loved. Malcolm had done this to them. Yes, Oliver and Felicity had gone to Zatanna, but they’d been desperate. Malcolm had made them desperate. He needed to regain control of his emotions. He let go of Tommy’s hand, “I’m going to get you a cup of tea.”

He entered the kitchen to find Felicity in front of the stove. “Is Bobby asleep?”

“Yes, before his head hit the pillow.” Felicity looked up as she poured water from the kettle into a teapot. “How is he?” she asked.

“I think something happened with Malcolm that he hasn’t told us about,” Oliver said.

Felicity returned the kettle to the stove. “I don’t understand.”

“I think Malcolm or one of his goons hurt him and he doesn’t want us to know,” Oliver said with certainty. Someone had inflicted pain on their husband and the fact that he wouldn’t share who had hurt him filled Oliver with fear.

Oliver didn’t think it was possible, but Felicity looked more worried than she had the moment before. “More than Malcolm shooting him?”

“Yes, more than that.” Oliver answered. He didn’t want to worry her more, but Tommy’s cries of anguish were still sounding in his ears. “His nightmare – what he was saying - I think someone physically hurt him.”

The color drained from Felicity’s face. “Did he say something to you when you came downstairs?”

“He says he doesn’t remember the nightmare,” Oliver responded, “but I’ve had nightmares like that, I wish I could forget them.”

“You don’t believe him?” she asked, wrapping her arms around herself.

“I don’t. Do you?” he challenged.

Felicity shook her head, tears sliding down her cheeks. “It had to be Malcolm, but maybe from a long time ago. He said that Malcolm didn’t lay a hand on him or the kids.” She sighed. “I think that everything with Zatanna and the kids – and us – it’s a lot and his brain is trying to cope. Maybe he’s mixing things up. Maybe it’s Sara pouring the water from the pit into his chest.” She lifted the tea tray, “Let’s go talk to him. He might be ready to tell us what the dream was about now that he’s calmed down.”

The question was on Oliver’s lips as they entered the living room, but Tommy was asleep on the sofa with a sleeping Bobby in his arms. Oliver didn’t have the heart to wake them. He tucked the blanket around them and sat in the armchair to watch over them. He held out his hand and Felicity sat in his lap, resting her head on his shoulder.

“What are we going to do?” she whispered.

He looked at their husband and son and wished he had the answers. He wished he knew what he could say or do to make Tommy’s pain go away – to help him understand – to make him see that he could trust them. He knew that there wouldn’t be any quick fixes. He kissed Felicity’s temple. “Whatever it takes.”

 

Oliver returned to the house to find it eerily quiet. Without the sound of children laughing or shouting, or Tommy and Felicity singing along to the radio, his home didn’t feel like home. Life without waking up and falling asleep, every day, to the sounds of his family was unimaginable. The weight of the enormity of what was necessary to save his family sat heavily upon his chest.

He entered the kitchen to find Felicity staring out the garden window. “Everyone was all smiles when Roy pulled out,” Oliver informed his wife. The last thing any of them needed was a repeat of the scene from the night before.

“Good,” Felicity replied absently, her eyes fixed on her quarry.

Oliver poured himself a cup of coffee, “What’s he doing?”

“Pacing,” Felicity answered before turning around to face him. “What’s our plan?”

“I don’t have a plan,” Oliver admitted. “I don’t think we should try and handle him.”

Felicity pointed towards their garden, “Our husband is outside trying to decide if he’s going to leave us – break up our family. I don’t know if he’s about to spiral again. I’d say we need a plan.”

“He’s not going to leave.” Oliver gazed into his mug, “Or, he’s not going to leave you. At least, that’s what I got out of last night - and the last fifteen years.”

“Oliver,” Felicity said sharply, “you sacrificing yourself is not the answer. It’s not okay for Tommy to forgive me and not you. We made this decision – together.” She looked back out the window, “Besides, I think we have bigger problems.”

“He doesn’t see it that way. He’s going to believe what he always believes – I make unilateral decisions about our family without consulting him. He’s not wrong.” Oliver was fighting every one of his instincts to control the situation. Every time he made this mistake, he vowed to never repeat it, but watching Tommy’s rapid descent into depression had left Oliver feeling like he had no choice but to make a choice on Tommy’s behalf.

“This wasn’t a unilateral decision. You came to me. You asked me. I agreed. We agreed,” Felicity reminded him. “We were losing him.”

Oliver’s eyes filled with tears. He dumped out his coffee and rinsed his mug in the sink. Felicity’s hand gently rubbed circles between his shoulder blades. For the second time in two years, he feared he was going to lose his family, and this time, it was his fault. He’d allowed his fears to cloud his judgment. He couldn’t afford to keep making the same mistake.

“Oliver,” Felicity said softly, wrapping her arms around his waist.

“I’m going to lose him anyway,” he said, bracing his arms against the sink as his tears fell.

“He’s alive. That’s what matters. We have time to fix this. We have time because of our choice – I don’t regret that. You shouldn’t either.”

“He hates me for it. He said I’m just like Malcolm.”

Felicity sighed heavily, “He doesn’t hate you. He could never hate you. He compared you to Malcolm because he was hurting - he wanted you to hurt too. He was lashing out. You’re nothing like Malcolm.”

The garden door opened. Felicity let go of Oliver and he rubbed his eyes. He turned to find Tommy watching them. Tommy’s eyes were red rimmed, and his hair stood up in tufts where he’d been running his fingers through it. The dark circles beneath his eyes looked like purple bruises as did the scruff on his jaw. The heel of his right foot was keeping a beat to a song only he could hear. Tommy’s overall appearance was wild, and it sent Oliver’s heart racing.

Oliver squeezed his eyes shut to banish the image of his husband at seventeen when he’d first looked like he might come undone. Everything always returned to that moment – the first time he’d realized it was possible he could lose Tommy - forever. His jaw began to tick, and his fists clenched at his sides as his fear was replaced with anger.

Felicity cradled one of his fists between her hands. “Oliver.”

He opened his eyes and gazed into her bright blue eyes. The love she had for him was clear on her face, as it always was, but concern was there too. Felicity had been with him too long not to recognize that he was struggling. He would be damned if he was responsible for her losing Tommy. They had to stop pretending they didn’t know the truth. It was the only way to make Tommy understand their decision. Sometimes it seemed unfair that Oliver and Tommy had pulled the woman they loved into their long and twisted history.

Oliver rubbed a hand over his face and said to Felicity, “How did you get stuck loving us?”

“Oliver,” she cautioned.

“None of this is her fault,” Oliver said to Tommy. “Everything that happened, it happened because of you and me.”

Tommy looked between his spouses, turned, and walked from the room.

“Where the hell are you going?” Oliver slid free from Felicity’s grasp and chased after Tommy. When his husband continued to ignore him, he blocked the stairs. “That’s it run. You always run.”

Tommy’s face turned bright red, his eyes flashing like lightning. “I’m not the one who runs, that’s always been you.”

“Trying to kill yourself – that’s the ultimate in running away,” Oliver growled.

Tommy turned his back and walked into the living room, “Fuck you, Ollie.”

“This is not a plan,” Felicity hissed as she tried to stop Oliver from following Tommy.

“I’m done with the lies,” Oliver said, stepping around Felicity. “I’m done with his lies.”

Tommy stormed back out of the living room, “I’m the liar? I’m not the one who brainwashed his husband.”

“You weren’t brainwashed.” Oliver took hold of Tommy’s hand, “Be honest. You know that you were drowning. You know that you were slipping away.”

Tears fell down Tommy’s cheeks, even as he continued to yell, “I’m sorry that I wasn’t processing fast enough for you. I’m sorry that I was struggling with the fact that I killed my own father. I’m sorry that the thought of being exposed to the same mystical waters that turned my father into my abuser terrified me. I’m sorry that I’m not strong like you and can’t lock my emotions away and pretend like nothing happened.”

“We didn’t want you to pretend that nothing was wrong,” Felicity said, putting herself between her husbands.

Tommy scoffed, “If that were true, you wouldn’t have taken away my memories.”

“Babe, if you could’ve taken away my postpartum depression with magic, would you have?” Felicity challenged him.

“That’s not the same,” Tommy said with a shake of his head. “Your brain chemistry was out of whack.”

“Wasn’t yours?” Felicity asked.

“I wasn’t experiencing depression. I was coming to terms with taking a life. I was worried that the Lazarus Pit was going to put our children at risk,” Tommy tried to explain. “I was trying to decide the best way to keep our children safe.”

“You were stuck in a moment of time,” Felicity said gently. “You weren’t processing. You were stuck,” Felicity wiped the tears from her eyes. “We weren’t willing to let you disappear on us. You are the love of our lives and the father of our children. We didn’t have any other choice.”

“Do you still think you’re a danger to our children?” Oliver asked. It didn’t seem possible that Tommy could believe that he would ever physically hurt their children. Tommy wasn’t Malcolm. He wasn’t cruel or selfish.

Tommy squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “If the water from the Pit was going to make me violent towards our children, I think it would’ve by now. I’ve spoken with Sara and Nyssa. They are probably right, I wasn’t dead when I was exposed to it and there hadn’t been enough of it to give me bloodlust. Nyssa said she didn’t have bloodlust after you placed her in the Pit.”

“That’s all we were trying to do,” Oliver said quietly. “We were giving you breathing room from your fear, so you could realize what we’ve always known – you’re incapable of physically hurting our children.”

“You should’ve asked me. You should’ve trusted me, but that’s the real problem, isn’t it?” Tommy asked Oliver. “You’ve never trusted me. You’ve always thought I was weak.”

“Don’t,” Oliver said. “Don’t put words in my mouth. I have never, not once, thought you were weak.”

“But you don’t trust me, and I can’t be with you, either of you, if you don’t trust me.” Tommy slipped his hand from Oliver’s and walked up the stairs. “I can’t trust you, if you can’t trust me,” he said as he climbed.

Oliver and Felicity stood side by side as they listened to Tommy’s retreating footsteps. Tommy wasn’t wrong. There was a part of Oliver that had stopped trusting Tommy when they were seventeen. Tommy had been reckless with his life and had come close to breaking Oliver’s heart. Maybe every terrible decision Oliver had made in his life was to try and keep his heart from being broken by Tommy.

“What was your nightmare about last night?” Oliver called after his husband.

Tommy stopped climbing, his back going rigid. “I don’t remember.”

“Maybe that’s why I don’t trust you,” Oliver said, tears sliding down his cheeks. “You’re in trouble – you’re hurting and you’re not telling us what’s going on.”

“This isn’t working,” Tommy said without turning around. “I need a break. Let me know if you want me to leave or if you will.”

Tommy continued up the stairs. Oliver and Felicity watched the ceiling, following Tommy’s shuffling footsteps down the hallway until their bedroom door clicked shut.

 “He’s right. This isn’t working,” Felicity whispered. “He’s not hearing us. We need to find another way.”

“Maybe we do need to take a break. He’s too angry to listen,” Oliver said sadly.

“What are you saying?” Felicity asked. “You want us to leave? You want us to leave our home? Our husband? Our children?” She pointed at the ceiling, “You want us to leave him when he’s like this? He needs us.”

“We’re not leaving him, we’re giving him space.” Oliver ran his hand over his head, “I’ll call Walter. We’ll go to London for a week. Tommy will calm down, he’ll process, and we’ll be able to talk this out.”

“Is this the right time to leave him alone?” Felicity asked.

“He’s not alone. He’ll have the kids, Thea and Quentin.” Oliver smiled bravely to reassure his wife, “It’s better for him to be surrounded by the familiar than have him go off on his own. This is the right call.”

“I’m afraid,” Felicity said, wrapping her arms around Oliver.

“I know you are. I am too.” Oliver kissed her forehead, “We need to show him that we trust him and that we heard him. He doesn’t want to lose this anymore than we do. We need to trust in our love.”

“What if leaving is a mistake? It doesn’t feel like the right move,” Felicity said, tears spilling from her eyes.

“Everything we’ve done since Ray dropped him onto the deck of the boat was the wrong choice. We didn’t listen to him. There wasn’t time to listen to him then – his life was in danger – but we have the time now. He’s asking us for space. He’s asking us for time. We need to give it to him.” Oliver wrapped his arms around Felicity, “I’m asking you to trust me. This is the right thing to do.”

Felicity nodded against his chest, “Okay.”

 

“I want to see Grandpa Walter,” Becca said as she bounced on their bed.

Felicity added pajamas to the suitcase open on her bed. “You have school, sweet pea. Daddy, grandpa and I will be working. Grandpa will come and visit soon.”

“Will you bring us back a present?” Bobby was laying with his head hanging off the edge of the bed, his eyes following Oliver as he moved in and out of the closet with clothing for his luggage.

“When have we not brought back a present?” Oliver tickled the little bit of Bobby’s exposed tummy.

“I don’t want anything lame,” Bobby informed his parents. “I don’t want a snow globe.”

“No snow globes, noted,” Oliver hung a suit in his garment bag and zipped it closed.

“How many days, mommy?” Becca held up all ten fingers.

Felicity bit her lip and did her best not to cry. Normally, she would lower Becca’s fingers until they revealed how many days she would be away. She took hold of Becca’s hands and kissed them, “I don’t know yet, baby. Daddy and I will be home as soon as we can.”

“Da’s not going, right?” Becca asked.

“Yes, da’s staying home with you guys,” Oliver kissed Becca’s head. He turned to Felicity, “Ready?”

Felicity closed her eyes and dug her nails into the palm of her hand. She wasn’t going to cry in front of the kids. She needed to keep it together. She put a bright smile on her face, “Yep, all set.”

Oliver zipped her suitcase and lifted it. “Come on, monkeys.”

 

Felicity scooped Prue into her arms, “You be a good girl while daddy and I are gone.”

Prue kissed Felicity’s cheek. “Okay,” she agreed.

Felicity buried her face in Prue’s wispy curls. She’d just had her bath and smelled of strawberries. “Mommy loves you.”

Oliver leaned over and traded Felicity Nate for Prue. Felicity brushed Nate’s hair from his eyes, “I think you need a haircut, little man.”

Nate shook his head.

“We’ll see,” she smiled. “You be good. No climbing or jumping if your dad isn’t looking, okay?”

Nate shook his head.

Felicity laughed. She kissed her son’s cheek, “It’s a good thing I love you.” She placed Nate back on the ground. “Be good for your dad.”

Felicity knelt in front Becca. She retied the bow on her daughter’s bathrobe. It was becoming increasingly difficult to act like her heart wasn’t breaking. Oliver’s warm hand gently squeezed her shoulder and she could feel him pouring his strength into her. Felicity looked up and smiled at Becca, “Have fun at school. Your daddy and I will talk to you every day on the pad.”

“Will you read me stories?” Becca asked as she stroked Felicity’s face.

“Yes, we will read you stories. I bet your grandpa will even read you one,” Felicity said before kissing Becca’s cheek and hugging her to her chest

“You’re squeezing too tight, mommy,” Becca said breathlessly.

“I’m sorry, baby,” Felicity loosened her grip. “I just need this hug to last me the whole trip.”

Becca hugged Felicity tightly, “How’s this?”

“Perfect,” Felicity squeezed Becca once more.

Felicity looked up to find Oliver pacing the foyer with Bobby in his arms. Their son was limp in his dad’s arms as he wept. Felicity shifted her gaze to Tommy. He was looking at their son with guilt all over his face.

“Becca, why don’t you put a movie on for you and the twins,” Felicity said gently.

“Is Bobby okay?” Becca asked with worry.

“Bobby is fine. He’s just going to miss your daddy,” Felicity explained as she stood up.

Becca took the twins’ hands and headed towards the family room. She looked over her shoulder, “You won’t leave without saying goodbye?”

“Your daddy and I will come and kiss you before we go,” Felicity promised.

Felicity placed her hand on Bobby’s back and began to rub it. “Please don’t cry, my sweet boy. Your daddy and I will be home before you know it. You’ll be having so much fun at school with Emma, you won’t notice we’re gone.”

“Don’t go,” Bobby sobbed.

“Talk to me, little man,” Oliver said gently. “You don’t normally get upset when mommy and I go away for work.”

“Something’s wrong,” he gasped. “I know it.”

“Bobby,” Tommy placed his hand on his son’s back, “look at me.” When Bobby turned his head, Tommy smiled kindly, “I’m okay. I promise. Nothing is wrong with me.”

Bobby shook his head, “You’re mad at mommy and daddy. You’re making them sad.”

Oliver, Felicity and Tommy all looked at each other over their son’s head. They shouldn’t be surprised that their eight-year-old had picked up on what was going on. He was a genius, but more than that, he was perceptive.

“Bobby,” Oliver said gently. “Sometimes, mommies and daddies fight. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love each other. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love their children.”

“You’re getting a divorce,” Bobby sobbed. “Just like Abby’s parents.”

“Robert John,” Oliver said sternly. “Your mommy and I are going to London to see your Grandpa Walter for work. After we finish our visit with your grandpa, we are coming home. I know that you are going to miss us, but you’re going to talk to us every day. You’re going to tell us all about school and soccer practice. Everything is going to be fine.” Oliver kissed Bobby’s tear covered cheek, “Give your mommy a hug and tell her how much you love her.”

Felicity tried not to think about the fact that Oliver hadn’t told their son that they weren’t getting a divorce as she took him in her arms. She realized it wouldn’t be too long before he was too heavy for her to hold, and sooner than she’d like, he’d be too old to want to cuddle with his mom. She kissed his cheek. His head was resting on her shoulder and he watched her through his tear-filled eyes. Felicity stroked his head and kissed him again, “I love you so much, my beautiful boy.”

Bobby stroked Felicity’s hair and closed his eyes, “Stay with me, mommy, please.”

“Bobby,” Tommy said with a sigh. “Your mommy and daddy need to go. They’ll be back soon. I need you to be a big boy for me. If you’re upset, Becca, Nate and Prue will be upset.”

“Can I go with you to London?” Bobby asked Felicity.

“What about the Rockets game that William and Emma are taking you to this week? Don’t you want to go with them?” Felicity asked. Bobby had been talking about the game non-stop since William told him they were going.

Bobby nodded.

“Well, you need to stay here to go to the game,” Felicity said with a smile. “You’ll have so much fun. You can tell your daddy and me all about it when you get back from the game. You can even text your daddy and give him the play by play as you watch.”

“I’d like that,” Oliver said.

“Okay,” Bobby nodded. He wiped his eyes. “I’ll miss you.”

“We’ll miss you too,” Felicity said hugging him tighter. She put him down and hugged him. He buried his head against her tummy.

“Becca,” Oliver called out. “Mommy and I are going.”

Becca ran into the foyer and threw herself at Oliver. Oliver lifted her straight over his head before lowering her into a hug. Becca squealed with laughter when Oliver blew a raspberry against her neck.

Bobby let go of Felicity and hugged Oliver’s waist.

Felicity hugged Tommy, “I love you.”

“I love you,” Tommy told her.

She believed him when he said it. Felicity rose onto her toes and she was relieved when Tommy covered her lips with his. It was a kiss like so many of the kisses they shared before she left on a trip. His nose rubbed hers before he pulled away. Felicity held tightly to his hand, “This isn’t goodbye.”

Tommy pressed his lips together and gave a curt nod.

Oliver cleared his throat, “The car is here.”

“Have a good trip,” Tommy’s voice was strained, and he shuffled his feet. “Call me when you get to Walter’s.”

“Tommy,” Oliver whispered as he stepped into his husband. His lips brushed against Tommy’s, “You are my everything, always. I love you.”

Tommy grabbed the front of Oliver’s shirt and pulled him close. He rested his forehead against his husband’s. They stood pressed together for several seconds, the air surrounding them electrically charged. “I love you,” Tommy said against Oliver’s lips before he kissed him slow and deep.

Even when angry, Tommy couldn’t let Oliver leave on a trip without telling and showing him how much he was loved. The lesson from the Gambit sinking was too deeply ingrained for Tommy to just let Oliver walk away. Felicity was filled with the confidence that they were making the right choice by giving Tommy the space he requested. Oliver stepped away from their husband and took Felicity’s hand. He gave her a reassuring smile and a small nod. She smiled bravely at him and took a deep breath. She’d be able to do the hardest thing she’d ever done because he was doing it with her. “Okay, monkeys. Be good.” She hugged and kissed each child again, starting with Bobby and ending with Prue. “We’ll talk to you soon.”

The front door closed behind her and a small sob escaped her lips. Oliver pressed her knuckles to his lips. “We’re going to get through this – all of us – together. I promise.”

 

Felicity pushed her dinner around her plate.  She checked the time for the tenth time that hour.  Tommy had scheduled a video call with the children in an hour and she was getting fidgety.

"Do you two want to tell me the real reason you're here?" Walter’s hands were steepled and his eyes shifted between Oliver and Felicity.

"You've been trying to get me to come to London for months." Felicity took a large sip of wine and gazed out the window.

"Not that I don't love you both, but you didn't even give me twenty-four-hours’ notice.  Being impulsive isn't like you," Walter directed his comments to Felicity.

"It was my idea," Oliver offered.  "I have some outstanding foundation business I've been putting off."

Walter redirected his gaze to his step-son, "Oliver, I may not be your father, but I like to think I know you well enough to know when you're lying.  Why don't you just tell me what's going on with Tommy, instead of letting me imagine the worst."

"Nothing is going on with Tommy," Felicity said defensively.

"In all these years, I've never known you to formally schedule a time to speak with the children when you don’t have an event. Something is going on.” When Walter realized Oliver and Felicity weren’t going to volunteer what was wrong, he softened his tone, “I'd like to help, if I may."

"Tommy needed a break," Oliver placed his napkin on the table, "from us."

"I see," Walter sat back in his chair.  "Is this break temporary?"

"We hope so," Oliver answered.

Walter’s eyes moved between Oliver and Felicity, looking for an answer. "I take it, this wasn't a whim - something precipitated his decision?"

"Yes, we did something," Oliver looked to Felicity and silently asked if he should tell the whole story. She shrugged her agreement.

Walter listened as Oliver recounted the events surrounding the rescue of Tommy and the kids. He went into painful details on the fallout from those events and the emotional toll it had taken on Tommy, Becca, and Bobby. Walter closed his eyes as Oliver explained their decision to ask Zatanna to erase Tommy's memories, without his permission.

Walter sat silently for a few moments before he spoke, " Robert and Rebecca – they’re all right?"

"Their memories haven't returned.  They’re back to themselves," Oliver answered.

"And Tommy?  How's he coping with the return of his memories?" Walter asked.

"We don't know.  He's not really speaking to us about anything other than the children," Oliver answered.

"What does Thea say?" Walter continued to probe.

"She says he seems upset, but okay.  Nothing like he was before we wiped his memories.  She says he's missing us," Oliver responded.

"I imagine he does miss you," Walter said distractedly.

"What are you thinking?" Felicity asked her father-in-law. Sometimes they forgot that even though Walter was Oliver’s step-father, his relationship with Tommy pre-dated his relationship with Oliver. She hoped he might have an insight on how they should approach Tommy to get him talking again.

"I understand why he needed space - but, I don't understand why you’d willingly put a continent and an ocean between you," Walter said somewhat angrily. “How could you leave him when you feared for his mental health?”

"If we moved in with Thea or into a hotel, it would raise too many questions.  We don't need the tabloids harassing the kids right now.  A business trip seemed wisest," Felicity answered. “Thea and Quentin are keeping an eye on him.”

Walter shook his head and forced air between his teeth. “After the Gambit sank, your mother and Thea struggled.  Tommy stepped up, even though his own heart was broken.  He’d lost the love of his life but couldn’t share the fullness of his grief with anyone. He set aside his own pain to look after them, as best he could." Walter’s fingers drummed on the table.

"I know all this," Oliver said patiently.

"Shortly after your mother and I were engaged, something broke inside of him.  How much do you know about 2009?"

"I know he went off the rails - alcohol, drugs, women, arrests," Oliver listed the sins Tommy had shared with him. He didn’t want to get into Hong Kong and how the choice he made back then had nearly broken Tommy.

Walter arched a lone brow, "Hospitalizations?"

Felicity rested her elbows on the table, "That sounds rather ominous.  He went to the hospital three times over six months - a laceration that required stitches - a concussion - alcohol poisoning – an overdose.  All three incidents made the paper, but I wouldn’t call them hospitalizations. He only ever spent the night."

Oliver shot Felicity a look. He was surprised she was playing dumb. He wondered if everyone had been doing Tommy a disservice over the years by trying to protect him by never discussing what he’d done. No one ever wanted to upset Tommy, but it was possible that upsetting Tommy was what needed to happen for all of them to move forward.

"You should both know by now that the whole truth rarely makes it into the newspapers. All three of those incidents were overdoses. They also weren’t the only hospitalizations.  Moira was growing concerned about his behavior - not just because of all the time he spent with Thea.  She shared with me what happened when Tommy was seventeen.  We both grew increasingly concerned that he was trying to kill himself, but staging it to look like an accident."

Oliver rose from the table and began to pace.  He shoved his hands into his pockets to hide that they were shaking.  Walter wasn’t telling them anything they didn’t already know. Moira’s journal didn’t mention how much Walter knew of the truth. He didn’t know if Walter knew about Colorado and what had happened there.

Walter stroked his chin as he made a decision, "Your mother swore me to secrecy.  She took drastic action and he eventually started fighting for himself again."

“Colorado?” Oliver asked

A look of surprise flashed across Walter’s face before he schooled his features. “I’m surprised Tommy told you. Only your mother, Tommy, the hospital staff and I know what happened there. To hide it from Malcolm and the press, Tommy was admitted under a different name and I paid the bill from my account.”

“Thea and I found some of mom’s journals when we were going through Grandpa Jonas’ papers. She talked about it,” Oliver admitted. “Tommy doesn’t know we know.”

“If you know what happened, I don’t understand why you’re here and Tommy is there,” Walter admonished. “You should tell him why you made the choice you did.”

Oliver wiped the tears from his eyes, "I don’t even know if I know why we did what we did anymore. I was afraid, and I convinced Felicity that our only choice was to take away Tommy’s choices. I acted out of fear, not love."

"I think the two of you saw what your mother and I saw, and it terrified you.  Maybe you should have asked him first, but when he got that way before, your mom didn't give him a choice either. I believe he’s alive today because she acted in his best interest when he couldn’t."

"Mom had him hospitalized, we had his memories removed," Oliver reminded his step-father.

"After all these years, I can still remember what he looked like. The light had gone out of his eyes. He’d given up. It took three weeks for him to start really fighting for himself." Walter looked out the window, "They sobered him up, adjusted his meds, gave him some counseling, and then sent him home.  He wasn't exactly back to himself, but he was back in control and the spark was back in his eyes.  Thea never knew - Moira said she was away for work and Tommy said he was visiting a friend from Harvard. Eventually, he left Starling and went to Stanford. The change of scenery and routine were good for him. Getting away from Malcolm was the best thing that could’ve happened. God,” Walter ran his hand over his face, “I don’t know why we didn’t intervene sooner. We were very lucky.”

Oliver sat heavily in his chair.

“Enough of this nonsense. You’re adults. You have small children at home. No more running. No more hiding. Tell Tommy why you did what you did,” Walter admonished them. “Tell him you know the truth.”

“We tried to explain, but he’s so angry,” Oliver nearly shouted. “He doesn’t want to listen to us.” Tears prickled behind Oliver’s eyelids. He wasn’t telling the truth. He wasn’t going home because he was afraid. “What if he tells us he doesn’t want to be married anymore?”

“Oliver, trust me, a strained marriage doesn’t improve with distance. If you want your marriage to survive this, the two of you need to go home and fight for it. Fight for him.” Walter stood up and kissed the top of Oliver’s head and then Felicity’s. “Think about it.”

 

Thea and Tommy were seated on the patio steps as they watched Scott, Nate, Prue and Tess chase each other in the grass. Thea took a sip of her coffee, “Scott wants a Batman theme for his birthday party.”

Tommy snorted, “Roy must love that.” He imagined his brother-in-law would be as happy with his son’s choice as Oliver would be.

“He told me that I’m not allowed to post any pictures from the party on social media,” Thea said, knocking her shoulder into Tommy’s. “He loves his son, but he did spend an hour trying to convince Scott to change it to the Flash.”

“How’d that go?” Tommy asked with amusement.

“He almost had him,” Thea said, holding her thumb and forefinger closely together.

“What was the deal breaker?” Tommy asked with genuine curiosity.

“The Flash doesn’t have a car,” Thea said with a smile. “Scott loves the batmobile.”

Tommy’s head fell back as a laugh burst out of him. It felt good. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d really laughed.

“How are you?” Thea asked seriously.

Tommy’s laughter stopped abruptly, “I’m fine.”

“I want a real answer,” she said taking his hand.

From the moment Tommy learned that Thea was his half-sister, he did his best to never bring up Malcolm as her father. Robert was Thea’s dad in every way that mattered. Thea didn’t deserve the burden of being a child of Malcolm Merlyn. There were times he didn’t believe she deserved the burden of being Tommy Merlyn’s sister. “Speedy,” he said, clasping his hands tightly together. “We haven’t talked about what I did – what I did – to him.”

Thea narrowed her eyes at him. “Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare apologize to me for what you did.” She covered his hands. “I’m sorry that you were the one who had to do it, but don’t you dare apologize for it.”

Tommy wasn’t looking to apologize for killing Malcolm, not really. He wanted to apologize that she never got to know the man who once tucked him in at night and told him bedtime stories and performed magic tricks. She never got to walk on the beach with the dad who pointed out all the wondrous creatures in tidal pools. He never expected to get the father he lost back from the monster who had taken his place, but there was a part of Tommy who’d always hoped he would. He’d gotten a glimpse of his dad on the atoll, but it had been a mirage – a lie to lower his defenses. When Tommy sank the icepick into his dad’s neck, he’d killed more than a man, he killed the dream of ever getting his father back. There was now no chance of Thea ever getting to know the Malcolm who was. He would only ever be the monster. He didn’t know how to apologize for that.

“I killed my dad to save Oliver and Felicity. There was no choice to make,” Tommy said truthfully. Now that his memories were back, he’d been able to live those terrible moments over and over. His dad’s death wasn’t murder, it was self-defense. If he was faced with the same situation, he’d do the same exact thing – except for the getting shot part – that had really sucked. “I won’t apologize for killing him, but I am sorry that he was never a father worthy of you and I’m so sorry he took Robert from you. I wish I could’ve stopped him before your dad and Ollie got on the Gambit.”

“Hey,” Thea grabbed his chin and turned his head towards her, “that’s not on you either. You didn’t know about the Undertaking.”

“But I knew he was a bad man.” Tommy lowered his eyes, “I knew he was a bad man and I could prove that he was hurting me – and I didn’t say anything. If I had said something, your dad would still be alive. Laurel would still be alive. All those people...” He wiped at his eyes, “Ollie and Sara would’ve been safe at home instead of going through hell.”

Thea shifted until she was seated on the step between his feet. She looked up at him, her eyes imploring him to listen. “You have to forgive yourself, Tommy. You have to. Would you expect Bobby or Grace or William to be able to stand up to Malcolm? You were a child. You were as much Malcolm’s victim as my dad and Laurel and all those other people.”

Thea was wrong. Bobby had stood up to Malcolm. He’d been smart and brave and found a way to save himself and his siblings. William dropped onto a boat in the middle of a storming sea to face Malcolm. Tommy’s sons were far braver than he ever was. “My weakness cost your dad his life.”

“No, Malcolm’s weakness cost my dad his life,” Thea said. “My dad wasn’t innocent in all this. He was conspiring with your dad – he changed his mind – he was going to do the right thing, but for years he did the wrong thing – including leaving you in that house when he knew what Malcolm was doing to you.”

“It wasn’t his fault. He was protecting you and Ollie,” Tommy said with certainty. He had no doubt that his dad would’ve killed Robert sooner if any attempt had been made to permanently remove Tommy from his dad’s custody.

“If my dad, an adult, was afraid of your dad, how can you expect more from yourself.” Thea’s hand pressed against his chest, “You carry too much here. We always give Ollie a hard time for blaming himself and holding onto his guilt, but Tommy, you hold onto it until it makes you sick. Let Malcolm’s sins belong to Malcolm. They’re not yours to carry.”

“When did you get so wise?” he asked.

“I’ve always been wise, you’ve always just been too stubborn to listen,” she said with a grin. “How are you really?”

He huffed a small laugh. “I’m a bit of a walking disaster, but I’m okay,” he said tapping his head, knowing what she was really worried about.

“What about the Lazarus Pit?” Thea asked. “Do you feel any changes?”

Tommy absently rubbed the center of his chest where he now remembered a hole should be. He shook his head. “No uncontrollable rage. No homicidal fantasies.”

“That’s good – it probably means you were worried for nothing,” Thea said, gesturing towards the children. “It’s been ten days, are you going to let them come home?”

Tommy shot his sister a look. He’d been waiting for ten days for her to get to this question. He was surprised she’d shown this much restraint. “No, I’m not ready.”

“When will you be ready?” Thea challenged.

“When I don’t want to pack all their things and leave them at the curb,” he said angrily, feeling defensive. As much as he wanted to forgive them, their betrayal hurt more than his fatal bullet wound had. His anger at their choice to take his memories hadn’t diminished in the past ten days, if anything, he was angrier.

Thea scoffed, “You don’t mean that.”

He raised his eyebrow, “I’m still furious with them.”

“They made the best decision they could at the time,” Thea said.

“No – no they didn’t. They made a decision about me without asking me. How would you feel if Roy made a decision about you without asking you?”

Thea’s eyes went wide and filled with tears.

“Damn it,” Tommy swore under his breath. He took his sister’s hands and held them between his, “Speedy, I’m sorry. I’m an idiot and an insensitive jerk.”

“I was furious with Roy when I woke up in that hospital bed and they told me I wouldn’t be able to have more children, but I came to understand why he made that decision. We had two children and I was bleeding to death. He made the choice that saved my life, so I could be a mother to the children we have. He didn’t make the decision lightly, and neither did Oliver and Felicity. They weren’t ready to lose their husband and your children weren’t ready to lose their father.” Thea wiped her eyes, “We’re humans and sometimes we screw up. They didn’t cheat on you. They didn’t stop loving you. You have four children to think about. What is this going to do to them?”

“I can’t just stay for the kids. If I stay for the kids, we’ll end up turning into your parents. Hostile and resentful. If I stay, I need to stay for me because I want to be with Ollie and Felicity,” Tommy said.

“Do you love them?” Thea asked.

“Yes, I love them. They are my everything, Thea, but I’m so angry. I don’t know how to move past this.” He wiped at his eyes, “Felicity says that I’m stuck. I think she’s right. I just don’t know how to get – unstuck.”

“Being on separate continents doesn’t help,” Thea said. “I had lunch at Table Salt yesterday. When I left, one of the vultures asked if your marriage was in trouble. People are noticing that they’re gone. Felicity is the CEO of QC, Tommy. The headquarters are here, not in London. This separation is impacting more than your marriage, it’s effecting the business. You need to figure out what you want, and you need to figure it out quickly.”

“I don’t want my marriage to be over,” Tommy admitted. “I just don’t know how to fix it. I’m afraid if they come home now, it will be over.”

“Your husband and wife are pretty smart, maybe you should ask them if they have an idea,” Thea said, standing up. “Come on, Scott. We need to go pick up your sister at school.”

 

Felicity fluffed her pillow, violently. She flopped back against the bed with a sigh. She shifted from her back, to her side, to her stomach and then returned to her back. She couldn’t get comfortable. She was sure that the mattress was a good one, but it wasn’t hers. Tommy wasn’t next to her, holding her hand as she fell asleep.

“Felicity,” Oliver said with concern.

“I can’t sleep,” she stated the obvious.

“The alarm is going to go off in a few hours,” Oliver needlessly reminded her. Ever since they’d arrived in London, they’d been getting up at three in the morning, so they could call home during the children’s bedtime.

“I think we should go home,” Felicity said into the darkness.

“It needs to be his decision,” Oliver said.

“He’s not making a decision,” Felicity said with frustration. “He’s stuck. Fracking, Malcolm.” The amount of damage Malcolm had inflicted upon his son made Felicity wish she’d gotten a chance to tell the elder Merlyn what a complete son of a bitch she thought he was before he died. Tommy was furious at his spouses, and he was entitled to be furious, but his fear of forgiving them, that was all his father’s conditioning.

“If we go home now, he’ll think we don’t respect his choice to work through this,” Oliver said with very little conviction.

“He wants to forgive us,” Felicity said with certainty, “but he thinks he shouldn’t. He thinks that if he forgives us, Malcolm will have been right – that he’s weak and a doormat.”

Oliver rolled onto his side, “You’re right. He wants to forgive us. He just needs to work through his anger - then he’ll be able to hear our apology and be ready to forgive us. This has always been his process.”

Felicity continued to stare at the ceiling as tears fell down her cheeks, “Maybe so, but I thought he’d have processed already. It’s been two weeks and he’s still so angry.”

Oliver took Felicity’s hand and hummed in the back of his throat.

“What?” Felicity asked.

“He’s punishing us,” Oliver answered.

Felicity scoffed, “He’s not petty. He wouldn’t keep us from our children to punish us.”

“No,” Oliver agreed. “He would never use our children to punish us, but he would hold onto his anger to punish me.”

“Us,” Felicity reminded Oliver. He was too quick to forget that they were on the same sinking ship. She groaned at the inappropriateness of her internal thoughts.

“Yes, us, but I think he’s holding onto his anger longer because of me.” Oliver kissed Felicity’s forehead, “I’m sorry that this is worse on you because of me.”

“I think we should go home. He’s had enough time,” Felicity said with certainty. “Walter’s right. We need to fight for him.”

“We will fight for him,” Oliver flopped over onto his back, “but, we can’t go home, not yet. We have to wait for Tommy. He needs to be in control of this decision. We can’t make it for him.”

Felicity sighed heavily. She knew Oliver was right, Tommy had to be the one to decide he was ready to talk, but waiting for Tommy, instead of fighting for him, went against every instinct Felicity had. She punched her pillow again. “I can’t sleep.”

Oliver lifted his arm and pulled her against his side. He kissed the top of her head, “Me neither.”

“Oliver,” Felicity said quietly, “I’m glad you’re here with me – I’m sorry you’re going through this, but if I had to go through it with someone, I’m glad it’s you. I wouldn’t be able to face this if it wasn’t for how strong you’re being – you’re making me strong.”

He laughed sadly, “Hon, I could say the same thing about you. I’m only able to put one foot in front of the other because you’re standing right next to me, holding me up. If anyone is strong, it’s you.”

“We’re quite the pair,” Felicity said. “He’s going to forgive us, right? He can’t not forgive us.”

Oliver kissed the top of her head and held her close. “He’ll forgive you, I promise. You’ll be able to go home and be with the kids.”

Felicity shifted until she was braced against his chest and could look into Oliver’s eyes. “Years ago, after the Scarecrow, I told Tommy something that I’m going to tell you now. You are not second in my heart. You aren’t a consolation prize. I love you. You are my husband.”

“But what if he says you can come home, but I can’t?” Oliver said quietly. “What happens to us? Who do you pick?”

Oliver’s question made her chest ache. Even after all these years, her choice to stay with Tommy after Oliver asked them to take him back remained an open wound on his heart. “I don’t think that will happen, but if it does, I won’t accept that. We did this – together. He either forgives both of us or neither of us.” She dropped her head to Oliver’s chest, “Honestly, how’d you think that would work? Would I have to leave you too or would I stay married to the both of you even if you weren’t married to each other and the two of you would have shared custody of me? That’s ridiculous.”

“I don’t know. I never imagined we’d ever be in this situation. I always thought we’d all grow old together and have lots of grandkids to spoil,” Oliver said.

Felicity had always believed that too. Once they shared their wedding vows, Felicity had never contemplated a future without the three of them together. Even at the lowest point of her depression, after the birth of the twins, she never pictured her life without Oliver and Tommy in it. Yes, she’d run away for a day, but when her husbands had confronted her about wanting to end her marriage it had been the push she needed to get more help because a future without both Oliver and Tommy was unthinkable. She didn’t want to think of a future where it wasn’t the three of them. The whole reason they’d chosen to become a threesome was to avoid having to pick – because it was impossible. “I miss my babies,” she said, wiping the tears from her eyes. “I don’t know how much longer I can last.”

“I miss them too.” Oliver’s hand ran slowly up and down Felicity’s back. “I’ll talk to Tommy. He can send the kids over with your mom for a long weekend. Bobby and Becca can miss two days of school.”

“Do you think he’ll agree?” Felicity asked. She wanted to see her children but having to ask Tommy to pack suitcases and put their children on a plane to see them felt too much like her worst-case scenario. She didn’t want to think about shared custody. She wanted to go home to Tommy and their children and be a family.

“He won’t keep the kids from us, and maybe not having the distraction of the kids will light a fire under him,” Oliver answered. He stroked Felicity’s hair and kissed her forehead, “Close your eyes. Try to sleep.”

Felicity closed her eyes, but sleep remained elusive. Tommy laying on the deck of the yacht, bleeding out and begging them to let him die, played in her mind on an endless loop. She and Oliver had made the right decision. Letting Tommy die had never been a possibility, not when Sara had given them a miracle. She hadn’t been ready to face a life without him, but it was starting to look like every choice she and Oliver made from that night until they asked Zatanna for help was going to take Tommy from her life anyway. “We really messed things up,” she said quietly.

Oliver’s hands stopped their caress for a moment and then started again. “I know,” he agreed.

 

 

“Thanks,” William said as he stepped through the open door.

“No, problem. I was just cleaning up the kitchen,” Tommy replied. “The kids are all asleep. I was thinking of watching a movie.” He welcomed the distraction of his stepson. Oliver had asked him to send the children to London for a few days. He couldn’t tell them no. Two weeks without their children would be torture for him too. Tommy had wanted to tell Oliver and Felicity to come home. He missed them. He loved them. He wanted them to come home, but the words wouldn’t come.

“I need to get one of Felicity’s miniature drones from her office,” William said opening the basement door.

“Did you have dinner yet?” Tommy asked, hoping William would stay.

“No,” William smiled sheepishly. “I could eat.”

“I’ll heat something up for you,” Tommy offered.

“That would be great – I’m starving,” William said with a broad smile. “I’ll be right up.”

Ten minutes later, they were both seated at the table. Tommy nursed a glass of wine as William ate. “Who are you chasing?” Tommy asked as he swirled his glass of wine. Listening to whatever case William was working on might help to distract him.

William swallowed the mouthful of white beans, spinach, tomatoes and garlic that Tommy had heated up for him. “Someone in the mayor’s office is syphoning off money from the waterfront development project. We’re trying to figure out who it is. Felicity’s better flying the drone, but Emma’s pretty good at it.”

“Emma’s helping?” Tommy asked incredulously. “Does your dad know?”

“Yeah, it was Felicity’s idea for Emma to help. The controls are the same as the drone Bobby built this summer,” he said buttering a piece of crusty bread.

“I don’t like the idea of Emma getting involved with this stuff,” Tommy said. “She’s not trained.”

“Emma is tougher than she looks,” William said with pride.

“I’m sure she is,” Tommy said. He was exhausted and didn’t have the energy to fight with another member of his family.

“Speaking of dad and Felicity,” William said with all the subtlety of a bear in a tutu. “Is our dad ever coming home?”

“Of course he is,” Tommy answered reflexively.

“Home? To this house?” William asked.

“William,” Tommy said, rubbing his face.

“If you guys get divorced, what happens to me?” William asked, his eyes filling with tears. He pointed towards the ceiling, “Will they all still be my brothers and sisters? Do I lose my room?”

The look of anguish on William’s face was almost more than Tommy could take. “Hey,” he squeezed William’s hand. “No matter what happens, you’re my kid too. They are your brothers and sisters – all of them. Your room will be yours as long as you want it.”

“If dad and Felicity hadn’t told Sara to pour the Lazarus Pit water into your chest, I would’ve done it,” William told him. “Would you have stopped speaking to me?”

“Of course not,” Tommy said truthfully. William was his child, there would’ve been nothing to forgive.

“So, why haven’t you forgiven dad and Felicity?” William asked.

“It’s not the same thing,” Tommy said feebly.

William’s eyes filled with tears, “How could any of us let you die? You’re the love of their lives and you’re our da – my da. We couldn’t just let you go. There wasn’t any choice to make.”

Hearing William call him, da, brought tears to Tommy’s eyes. “I’m not angry about the Lazarus Pit – not any more. I’ve forgiven them. I understand their choice – if it had been one of them, I would’ve done the same thing.”

“My mom and dad, they love one another, but you, Felicity and dad, that’s something only found in poetry. You guys don’t just love each other, you’re in love with each other – even after all these years. I understand you’re angry at them for going to Zatanna behind your back, but they did it because they love you – because they couldn’t imagine a world without you in it. What would you have done if you’d been in their place? You can’t honestly tell me that you would’ve let them suffer when there was something you could do,” William said.

“It’s not that simple. Love is important, but it isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. One day, you’ll understand that. Marriage is built on a foundation of trust, without it,” Tommy shrugged. “Without trust, it’s impossible, no matter how much love there is.”

“Tell them to come home, please,” William said wiping his eyes. “I know I’m just a dumb kid who doesn’t know anything about marriage, but this is wrong. You’re wrong. They love you – so much. They should be here. We’re supposed to be a family.”

Tommy squeezed William’s shoulder, “We are a family. No matter what happens, we will always be a family.”

“It won’t be the same. This won’t feel like home anymore,” William said through his tears. “I don’t want to lose my family.”

Tommy agreed with William about one thing. If Tommy ended his marriage, nothing would be the same. Their home would be forever altered. “Stay the night. Your room is all made up. The kids will think Christmas has come early if you’re here when they wake up.”

“Okay,” William agreed with a sniffle.

“Finish your dinner.” The last thing he wanted was for his kids to feel as miserable as he did. He’d been so worried about their youngest four, that he’d failed to see that their eldest was struggling too.  Tommy leaned forward and placed a kiss to his son’s forehead. “You’re not going to lose your family. Everything is going to be okay, I promise.”  

 

“Toddlers and jet lag, there should be warning labels,” Felicity said to Oliver, Donna, and Walter as she ran through the sitting room after a naked Nate.

“That’s my cue,” Oliver said, rising from the leather armchair. He followed the squeals of laughter down the hallway. There was nothing better than the sound of his children having fun.

Nate ran out of Walter’s bedroom and nearly collided with his father. Oliver scooped him up, “Whoa, little man. Where are your glasses?”

“Oh,” Felicity popped out of the bathroom, “you found him. I needed to turn off the water before we had a flood.”

Oliver followed Felicity into the bathroom, Bobby, Becca, and Prue were all naked and lined up in front of the tub.

Felicity stuck her hand into the water, testing the water. “Okay, monkeys, everybody into the drink.”

Bobby and Becca climbed into the tub. Oliver lowered Nate into the water and then stepped back for Felicity to deposit Prue.

“Daddy, I want my dolphin,” Becca held out her hands.

Oliver felt a sense of panic at the inevitable meltdown from the absence of her favorite toy. “Sweetheart, your dolphin….”

“Is right here,” Felicity placed the rubber dolphin into Becca’s outstretched hands. She placed a handful of toys into the water with the children. “Your da packed your favorites.”

Oliver’s heart flared with love for his husband. Even with everything going on, Tommy had remembered to pack the children’s bath toys. Then Oliver remembered his husband wouldn’t have had to remember to pack the toys, if he’d found a way to forgive his husband and wife and let them come home.

“Ten minutes of play, and then we’re rinsing off,” Felicity informed the children, setting the timer on her watch.

“Da washed our hair last night,” Becca announced.

“We won’t wash your hair tonight,” Felicity agreed.

Nate, Prue, and Becca were all busy with the toys, but Bobby was just sitting in the water, staring at his knees. Oliver knelt beside the tub and lifted a submarine from the water, “You okay, buddy?”

Bobby looked up and shrugged, “When are we going home?”

“You just got here. You want to go home already?” Oliver asked with a gentle smile.

“Da’s all by himself,” Bobby answered.

“I miss your dad too,” Oliver confided in his son.

Bobby’s face lit up with a smile, “Then we can go home?”

“In a couple of days,” Oliver answered.

The smile left Bobby’s face. To Oliver, it seemed like clouds were blocking out the sun. The separation was taking a toll on their son.

“May I have a washcloth?” Bobby held out his hand.

“Sure,” Oliver answered. He turned around and stretched for the stack of washcloths Felicity had left on the sink. He grabbed one and then handed it to Bobby, “Anything else?”

“Soap,” Bobby answered.

Oliver reached over the twins for the bar of soap and handed it to his son. “Are you sure you don’t want to play first?”

“No, thank you.” Bobby lathered his washcloth and returned the soap to Oliver’s hand. He quickly ran the washcloth over his body and then stood up. “Rinse, please.”

Oliver turned the taps on and checked the water’s temperature before he filled a plastic jug. He carefully poured the water over his son, rinsing the suds that were clinging to his skin. He grabbed a large white towel and wrapped it around his son, and lifted him from the tub.

“I left your pajamas on your bed,” Felicity called after Bobby as he left the bathroom.

“Daddy, will you play with me?” Becca asked.

Oliver turned back to the tub. “Do I get to be the dolphin?”

“No,” Becca clutched the dolphin to her chest. “You can be the octopus,” she offered, holding out the bright orange cephalopod.

“I wish I had eight arms,” Oliver informed his daughter. “I could hug all of you at once.”

 

Oliver tucked Bobby in last. His son was being unusually quiet. He hadn’t come to listen to the stories his siblings had picked out, instead, he’d chosen to stay in his bed to read _Harry Potter_. Oliver sat on Bobby’s bed, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Why are you and mommy fighting with da?” Bobby asked.

“We’re not fighting with your dad,” Oliver said.

Bobby raised a brow, “You know I’m a genius, right?”

Oliver chuckled, “I’m aware.”

“I know something is wrong,” Bobby said, taking Oliver’s hand. “Are you getting divorced?”

“This isn’t something your mom, dad, and I want you to worry about. We’re going to figure it out, okay?” Oliver asked.

“He’s having nightmares,” Bobby said guiltily, like he was betraying his dad by tattling. “He doesn’t think I hear him.”

“Everyone has bad dreams,” Oliver said, running his hand over Bobby’s curly head.

Bobby shook his head, “They’re not just bad dreams. I think there’s a bad man.”

The hairs on the back of Oliver’s neck stood on end. “Why do you think there’s a bad man?” he asked. Memories of Tommy’s screams of agony echoed in Oliver’s mind.

“Someone is hurting him,” Bobby said softly. “He’s asking someone to stop hurting him.”

Oliver bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from crying in front of his son. Bobby was already worried about one dad, he didn’t need to worry about both. It was bad enough to think Tommy was dreaming about drowning, but to know he was dreaming about someone hurting him, it made their separation worse. Oliver should be there to chase the bad dreams away.

“Bad dreams are scary, monkey, but they are still only dreams. No one is hurting your dad. He’s okay,” Felicity said as she stepped into the room.

“Do you think da is scared? He’s all by himself,” Bobby said taking Oliver’s hand.

“Once your da wakes up, he knows he’s safe,” Oliver said lamely. “He’s got Tess with him.”

“Can I call him?” Bobby asked.

“I think that’s a good idea,” Oliver said, pulling his phone from his pocket. “I know your da would love to hear your voice.” He knew he would feel better hearing Tommy’s voice too.

 

Tommy muted the television when the doorbell rang. “Quentin,” he said as he opened the front door, “I thought you went to London.”

Quentin stepped past him, “Nah, I thought Donna would have more fun with the kids without me.”

Tommy arched a skeptical brow. “I’m just watching the game. Care to join me?”

“Got anything good to eat?” Quentin followed Tommy into the kitchen.

“Since it was just me, I was going to eat leftovers, or I can make you something,” Tommy offered.

“Leftovers are fine.” Quentin said. “How are you?”

Tommy’s hand stopped in mid reach of the refrigerator door, “If you’re going to lecture me about how I’m not being fair to Ollie and Felicity, I’d rather you skip it.”

“Me lecture?” Quentin asked innocently. When it didn’t elicit a smile from Tommy, he continued, “Listen, kiddo. I didn’t come over here to lecture you. I came over to see if you’re okay. You got some heavy information recently, your kids are away, and you ended a relationship of fifteen years – so, I thought I’d swing by and ask how you are.”

Tommy swung the fridge door open, “I didn’t end my relationship.”

“Didn’t you?” Quentin asked as he pulled a water glass out of the cabinet.

“I needed a break,” Tommy stacked leftover containers on the counter.

“Tommy, it’s been three weeks. Are you sure this is only a break?”

“If you’re looking for the Olicity fan club, it’s in London,” Tommy said, using the old name the tabloids had used when they thought Oliver and Felicity were having a secret relationship.

Back in the early days of their relationship, Tommy had resented the name because it played on his worst fears about Oliver and Felicity being the primary relationship in their triad. He’d eventually realized how misguided his fears were, but, considering recent events, he wondered if maybe he’d been right to worry that he was the odd man out in their relationship.

“Hey, I’m on your side. In this crazy family of ours – Donna got Felicity, Walter got Oliver and I got you. I told you when I found out about this relationship that I’m always going to stand up for you. You’re my kid. I lay awake and worry about you as much as I do Sara. Right now, I’m awake at night because of you.”

“Sorry you lost out on getting one of the cool kids,” Tommy said sullenly. He was aware that he sounded like a petulant child, but he was tired of being painted as the villain in what was happening in his marriage. He wasn’t the one who’d betrayed his spouses.

Lance leaned forward, “In my book, I lucked out, but that answer, right there, that’s why I’m asking you how you are.”

Tommy leaned against the counter, “I’ve been better.”

“I bet. Oliver really stepped in it this time.” Quentin shook his head, “I’m shocked Felicity didn’t show better sense. Usually she talks Oliver out of these boneheaded things.”

“I don’t know what to do. I’m so angry with them, but I still love them. My head just keeps spinning and spinning. I’m afraid to take them back because I don’t know if I can forgive them or ever trust them again. I don’t even know if I can trust my own memories. What if what I remember about my life and my marriage is all a lie?”

“You ask me, and I’ll tell you the truth,” Quentin said reaching for Tommy’s hand, “but, kiddo, this was a one-time thing – a really stupid one-time thing.”

More than anything, Tommy wanted that to be true. He wanted to believe that Zatanna had only taken his memories from the last night on the yacht, but he didn’t know who or what to believe. He couldn’t even believe his own mind. His brain was insisting on replacing his dad with another man to terrify him in his sleep. Tommy didn’t understand what was happening to him. It was far easier to remain angry with Oliver and Felicity than to think too hard about what had him waking up screaming every night. He gripped the counter as images swirled in his head. “I’ve been having these nightmares – I keep seeing this man. I don’t know who he is, but I think it’s important. What if he’s another memory they suppressed?”

“Tommy, they only took away the memory of you being shot, saving your life, and your dad’s death.” A look of worry crossed Quentin’s face, “What are the nightmares about? Is the man threatening you – hurting you?”

Tommy could feel his face turning red. He didn’t want to tell his father-in-law that his nightmares had become sexual. “All I know, the man makes me afraid. It’s probably nothing,” he said, embarrassed that he’d revealed too much.

“I don’t know anything about dreams, but maybe this man and these nightmares are being caused by the anxiety you’re feeling about your marriage,” Quentin said thoughtfully.

“Maybe,” Tommy replied. There was a chance his nightmares were about his feelings of loss of control. The man forcing himself on Tommy in his dreams could be nothing more than a representation of his memories getting stripped away. Tommy couldn’t shake the feeling that the man was real, and the nightmare was really a memory – a memory he didn’t think he wanted to remember – which made him a hypocrite. His exhaustion was making him doubt everything he believed.

Tommy realized that the man sitting in front of him was one of the few people privy to what went on with Tommy after Hong Kong and who might have some answers about the time in his life filled with too many blackholes. “Quentin?” he asked tentatively. “When I was admitted to the hospital with the overdoses, did the doctors ever tell you something else about my condition?”

Quentin’s brow furrowed, “What condition?”

Tommy shrugged, “I don’t know.” He looked away, “Something criminal – like an assault?”

“Tell me about the man, Tommy,” Quentin said gently. “You can tell me anything. Forget about my badge. I’m just a dad asking his son to let me help him. Did someone hurt you?”

Tommy clutched at his head as the vision of the smiling bald man swam in front of his eyes. He could hear club music pumping through the room, and he was floating in only the way drugs could make him. The room felt like it was closing in on him as a body crowded against him. He wanted it to stop. He needed the man to stop. “I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s real. Everything is a blur – I don’t know if he’s real or if I’m losing it.”

“Sit down,” Quentin directed Tommy towards a stool. “I’m worried you’re going to faint on me.”

Tommy sat down and placed his head between his knees, “I’m okay.”

“Breathe,” Quentin said as he rubbed gentle circles against Tommy’s back. “Talk to me. Tell me what just happened.”

“I’m tired of being broken.” Tommy spent too much of his life living with the consequences of things that were beyond his control. His mother’s death, his father’s abuse, Oliver’s death, the Lazarus Pit, and now the memory wipe.

“You’re not broken,” Quentin said, removing his hand from Tommy’s back. He pushed on Tommy’s shoulder until he was sitting upright. “You’re one of the strongest people I know.”

Tommy scoffed, “We both know that isn’t true.”

“No, I think the only person in this family that doesn’t see you as strong, is you,” Quentin said with a sad smile.

“Ollie thinks I’m weak. It’s why they wiped my memory. He doesn’t trust me because he thinks I can’t handle difficult things,” Tommy said.

Quentin sighed heavily, “It’s not you who Oliver thinks is weak. He’s afraid – afraid of losing you – afraid of a life where you’re not by his side making him brave.”

Tommy wiped at the tears rolling down his face. He understood Oliver’s fear. “I don’t want to lose Oliver or Felicity either. My life doesn’t make sense without them in it, but they took away my control and I don’t know how to get past that.”

“Do you know what I’ve been thinking about lately - what’s been keeping me up at night?” Quentin shifted on Felicity’s stool. Tommy shook his head. “I keep thinking about the night you tried to kill yourself.”

“What?” Tommy asked with disbelief. It had been years since the last time anyone, other than Oliver, had mentioned his teenaged suicide attempt.

“I know this family doesn’t like to talk about it, but I think we need to talk about it.” Quentin cleared his throat, “You need to talk about it.”

“What about it?” Tommy asked suspiciously. The last thing he wanted to do was talk about it. “I’m tired of Ollie holding it over my head.”

“I hadn’t thought about that night in a long time and then about two weeks after you brought the kids back home, I had this deja vous like thing happen. Oliver was watching you and I don’t mean like I’m watching you now. He was watching you out of the corner of his eye. Every time you moved, he moved to keep you in his line of sight. Suddenly, I wasn’t looking at a middle-aged man, I was looking at a seventeen-year-old boy.” Quentin chuckled, “You know, I look back at that night and I think what an idiot I was about you two. I guess when a punk kid starts having sex with your daughter, you don’t think that he could be in love with another guy. That night when he showed up at the hospital, I remember thinking how scared Oliver looked. He never took his eyes off you, even when answering our questions. That summer, when you two were grounded, I used to pick up the girls from the mansion. I usually met them outside, but on occasion, I’d go inside. Oliver’s eyes were always tracking you. It was like he was afraid you were going to disappear if he didn’t keep his eyes on you all the time. I hadn’t seen that look in a long time, but I saw it again a few months ago.”

Tommy was uncomfortable comparing the two situations. Quentin was wrong to think the situations were at all similar, and he was crazy to think that any of it justified Oliver and Felicity’s choice. “Just because Oliver thought I was suicidal, it doesn’t mean I was, or make it okay for him to wipe my memories without asking me.”

“Maybe not, but I don’t think he was wrong about you being suicidal. Do you?”

Tommy opened his mouth to deny Quentin’s accusation, he was a father of five children, he’d never do that to his kids, except, the words wouldn’t leave his mouth. He’d been in a dark place. His fears for his family’s safety had him thinking about taking his life once Bobby and Becca had recovered from their trauma. At the time, he hadn’t made the connection that his death would bring new trauma to his family. He averted his eyes from his father-in-law’s.

“Oh, jeez, kid,” Lance pulled Tommy into his arms, “you know how to break a dad’s heart.”

Tommy held tightly to the man who had been more of a father to him than his own father had ever been. “I don’t know what to do,” Tommy admitted. “Everything is out of control and I’m afraid I’m going to lose everything.”

“You need to tell your family to come home. You can’t fix your marriage if you keep hiding from them,” Lance said gently.

“What if when they come home, it’s over?” Tommy voiced his real fear.

“Then you’ll face it and I’ll be right beside you. You won’t be alone – I promise.”

More than anything, Tommy wanted Felicity and Oliver to come home. He wanted to find a way to move past what had happened. He wanted to believe in his husband and wife and that could only come through forgiveness. He couldn’t forgive them if they didn’t come home. “Okay.”

Lance picked up Tommy’s cell and handed it to him, “Call your husband and wife. Tell them to come home.”

“It’s the middle of the night,” Tommy said looking at the time.

“Trust me, they haven’t been sleeping any better than you. Tell them to come home, they’ll be here in less than twenty-four hours.” Lance squeezed his shoulder, “I’ll be in the other room, if you need me.”

Tommy sat down at the kitchen counter and stared at his phone. With a shaking hand he selected Oliver’s number and held his breath as he listened to it ring. He didn’t know if he wanted Oliver to answer or to go to voicemail.

“Tommy?” a sleepy sounding Oliver asked.

The sound of Oliver’s voice brought tears to Tommy’s eyes and he was unable to speak.

“Tommy, are you there?” a worried Oliver asked.

Tommy took a shuddering breath and managed to say, “Yeah.”

“Are you okay?”

“No,” Tommy said on a sob. “Are you okay?”

“No, I’m not okay. We’re here, you’re there.”

“How are the kids?”

“They’re okay. Walter is fussing all over them. They’re being spoiled with trips to the zoo and the toy store,” Oliver said. “They miss you. Becca has informed me that I sing terribly.”

Tommy smiled through his tears, “You don’t sing terribly.”

“Maybe not, but I’m not you. They miss you,” Oliver informed him. “I miss you.”

“How’s Felicity?” Tommy asked.

“I miss you,” Felicity answered.

“I miss you both too,” Tommy responded.

“Tommy?” Oliver asked.

“I’m ready to talk. I want you to come home,” Tommy informed them. “Will you come home?”

“We’ll be on the jet first thing in the morning,” Oliver promised.

“Thank you,” Tommy said through his tears.

“Tommy, we love you,” Oliver said.

“I love you both too,” Tommy responded. “Tell the kids, I love them, and I’ll see them soon.”

“We’ll be home in a few hours,” Oliver said before he disconnected the call.

Tommy dropped his head to the counter and allowed himself to cry. He wasn’t sure if he was relieved or terrified that Oliver and Felicity were coming home. There would be no more hiding. He had to face the truth and decide one way or another if his marriage was over.

Lance kissed the top of Tommy’s head, “Everything is going to be okay.”

“How do you know?” Tommy asked through his tears.

“Because you kids are going to make it okay,” Lance answered. “Come on, let’s get dinner ready.”

 

The music at Verdant pulsed through Tommy’s body as he danced between Felicity and Oliver. Felicity’s arms were looped around his neck with her body pressed against his front. Oliver’s hands tightly gripped Tommy’s hips as he pressed against his back. Tommy felt like he was flying as the two people he loved most kissed his neck.

“I’m going to get a drink,” Felicity said against his ear.

“Hurry back,” Tommy shouted after her.

Felicity looked over her shoulder and blew him a kiss.

Oliver’s arms slid around Tommy, holding him firmly against his chest. Tommy tilted his head back and Oliver captured his mouth in a hungry kiss. He turned in Oliver’s arms, desperate to pull his husband closer. His back slammed against a cold metal surface and Tommy hissed in response.

A chuckle sounded in his ear, “Someone’s eager.”

The voice wasn’t right, neither was the feel of the body pressed against his. “You’re not Ollie,” Tommy said as he pushed against the man who was trying to open his pants. “Get off me.”

Tommy struggled to break free from the bald man who had him trapped against the wall of a bathroom stall. He couldn’t remember how he’d gotten there. He wasn’t sure how he’d been separated from Oliver and Felicity. “Ollie. Felicity,” he cried out.

One of the bald man’s hands closed around Tommy’s throat as his other hand pushed into his pants and grabbed him roughly. The more Tommy struggled, the harder it was becoming to breathe. His vision began to darken around the edges as the bald man told him what he was going to do to him. The man forced a pill into his mouth and held his hand over Tommy’s nose and mouth until he swallowed it. He was spun until his face was pressed against the metal wall. The man continued to press on Tommy’s throat as he pulled his pants down. Tommy knew it was pointless to struggle. It didn’t matter if this man hurt him. Nothing mattered. Felicity and Oliver were gone. He was alone.

Tommy’s eyes opened to the darkness of his bedroom as he panted for breath. It took him a moment to realize he’d been dreaming. He could still feel the other man’s hands on his body and he felt sick. He carefully sat up, his legs dangling over the side of the bed as he caught his breath. His pajamas clung to his sweaty skin and he shivered. He forced himself to his feet and on unsteady legs he made his way to the bathroom. He was done sleeping for the night. His family would be home in a few hours. He decided to take a shower and then he’d bake some cookies for the kids.

 

Tommy leaned against his mini van as he watched the family’s private jet land. His father-in-law was parked behind him, eagerly awaiting the return of his wife. Tommy’s heart raced, and his hands itched with the need to pull his children to him and to never let go. His head felt heavy and his mind was foggy from lack of sleep. He hadn’t slept well the night before. It had taken him hours to fall asleep and once he did, the nightmare about the man had woken him up. He shook his head to banish the memory. He wanted to be present with his children and not lost in the emotions the nightmare was stirring up.

The ground crew was fast and efficient as they made the necessary preparations for the jet to open its door. Once the stairs were lowered, Tommy moved to the bottom to await his family. Oliver was the first one through the door. He had the twins in his arms.

Their small faces lit up at the sight of Tommy. “Da,” they said together.

Tommy took them from Oliver before he had stepped onto the ground. Tommy clung tightly to the twins as he kissed their cheeks, “Hi, monkeys. I missed you so much.”

“Da,” Becca cried out with excitement.

Tommy knelt to the ground with the twins still clinging to his neck. Becca crashed into them and Tommy pulled her close. “Hi, sweetheart.”

Bobby didn’t say anything as he knelt next to his sister and wrapped his arms around Tommy’s chest. His head rested over Tommy’s heart. Tommy kissed the top of Bobby’s head, “Hi, little man.”

The five of them remained in their embrace as Oliver began to load the minivan with their luggage.

Felicity placed her hand on the top of Tommy’s head. “Come on, monkeys. Let’s get in the car so we can go home.”

Tommy and Felicity strapped the twins into their car seats as Becca chattered about their visit to London and what they did with their grandparents. Bobby sat silently in his seat as he watched Tommy’s every movement. Felicity sat in her seat and Tommy pulled her seatbelt across her chest and buckled her in. She caressed his cheek before she leaned forward. He met her halfway and sighed when their lips touched. His lips parted for her and it felt like coming home. He’d missed his wife, and he was prepared to do whatever it took to make sure they’d never be separated again.

Oliver was waiting when Tommy closed the minivan’s door. “If I ask nicely, do I get a kiss too?” Oliver asked, his eyes searching Tommy’s.

Tommy placed his hand flat over Oliver’s chest before fisting it in his shirt and hauling him closer. “You can have a kiss, even if you don’t ask nicely,” he said, their lips only millimeters apart.

“Please,” Oliver whispered against Tommy’s lips.

Tommy didn’t need further encouragement. He crushed his mouth against Oliver’s but surrendered to his husband’s kiss. Tears filled his eyes as he realized he would never be able to live without Felicity and Oliver’s kisses. He would have to find a way to move past his feelings of hurt because he couldn’t live with the consequences if he didn’t. He felt safe and at home in their arms. He was braver when he was with his husband and wife. They could face anything if they were together. Tommy had to trust that Oliver and Felicity wouldn’t let him allow his own fears to destroy their marriage.

When Oliver gentled the kiss, Tommy said, “Don’t let go.” Oliver’ arms squeezed his husband tighter and Tommy buried his face against Oliver’s neck. He breathed deeply and relaxed into the comforting warmth of his husband. “Don’t let go.”

“I’m never going to let go,” Oliver promised.

“Let’s go home,” Tommy said.

 

Oliver closed the door to the nursery and stared at his husband and wife. The children were asleep and the weight of what needed to be done was overwhelming. There were so many things that needed to be said, but he was too tired to think.

“We should go to bed,” Tommy said. “It’s been a long day.” He turned towards their bedroom and walked away.

Felicity looked at Oliver and silently asked him what they should do. Tommy had asked them to come home, but neither of them was sure if that was an invitation for them to return to their bed.

Tommy got to their bedroom door and looked behind him. He looked confused to see them on the opposite end of the floor. He started back towards them and loudly whispered, “Did they wake up?”

Oliver shook his head.

Realization dawned on Tommy’s face. He stepped into their room and gestured for them to join him.

“Aren’t you tired?” he asked when they stepped into their room.

“Yes,” Felicity said, “but we weren’t sure if you wanted us in here.”

“I want you here,” Tommy said, “I’m just not ready to talk. I know I said I was, but I didn’t sleep last night and I’m tired. I don’t want to be tired for this conversation.”

“You don’t want a divorce,” Oliver said with relief. He didn’t think Tommy did, but he’d spent the entire flight worrying about it. It wasn’t until Tommy kissed him on the tarmac that Oliver breathed a sigh of relief.

Tommy’s eyes widened with concern. “No, do you?”

“Never,” Oliver answered without hesitation.

“That’s a big nope for me, in case it wasn’t clear,” Felicity said as she climbed into bed.

“I’m glad you’re home,” Tommy said as he got into bed next to Felicity. “I missed you – both of you.”

“We missed you too.” Oliver turned out the lights. “We should get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be another long day.”

Oliver slid into bed next to Felicity and curled up behind her. He reached a tentative hand over Felicity and placed it on Tommy’s hip. “I love you both.”

“Me too,” said Felicity.

“I love you both too,” Tommy added.

Oliver smiled as he shut his eyes. They were home and back in their bed. No matter how much hard work was in front of them, they were together, and they would stay that way.

 

Felicity’s eyes opened. It took her a moment to remember she was back in her own bed and not in London. She stretched her hearing to determine which of the children was moving around and had woken her from her sleep. It wasn’t until Tommy whimpered next to her that she realized it was her husband who had interrupted her sleep.

“Tommy,” she whispered as she reached for him.

He pulled his hand from her touch as if she burned him. “No, don’t, you’re hurting me,” he mumbled into his pillow. His legs kicked out violently, colliding with hers. “Stop, you’re hurting me.”

Felicity sat up and placed her hand on Tommy’s back and shook him, “Tommy, wake up.”

“Felicity,” Oliver said sleepily.

“It’s Tommy. He’s having a nightmare,” Felicity said into the dark.

Oliver flipped on the light by the side of the bed and sat up. He climbed over Felicity and placed a hand on Tommy’s bicep. Tommy whimpered and tried to pull from Oliver’s grasp. “Tommy, wake up. You’re safe. Felicity and I are here.”

“Stop,” Tommy cried out as he sat up. His eyes were wide with panic as he looked around the room without seeing.

“Tommy,” Felicity said, hesitating to reach for him.

Tommy’s eyes squeezed shut. “Felicity. Ollie,” he panted.

“We’re here. You’re safe,” Felicity said.

Tommy slumped forward and rested his weight against Oliver. “I don’t want to remember.”

Tommy’s words were like a physical blow to Felicity. She couldn’t believe what Tommy was saying, not after he’d sent them into exile for three weeks. From the look on Oliver’s face, he was equally confused. “Tommy?”

Tommy didn’t answer. He took hold of her hand and let his husband and wife hold him.

 

“Da,” Becca said energetically as she speared a piece of pancake with her fork. “Grandpa took us to the zoo. We saw lions.”

“Rrrr,” Nate said, making claws with his hands.

“What else did you see?” Tommy asked. It was a relief to have his children home again. If he was being honest with himself, it was a relief to have Oliver and Felicity back too.

“Gorillas,” Bobby answered.

“Woowoo,” Nate said, bending his arms and scratching his armpits.

“Did my monkey see a monkey?” Tommy wiped the syrup from Nate’s cheek.

“Da, gorillas are apes, not monkeys. Gorillas don’t have tails. Gorillas are more like people than monkeys, but chimpanzees are more like people than gorillas are,” Bobby explained breathlessly. “Did you know that we’re primates too and we have eyes in the front of our head and not on the side because we need depth perception to jump from tree to tree.”

“I guess grandpa rented you the audio tour,” Tommy teased. He couldn’t be prouder of how intelligent their son was.

“No, grandpa hired us our own tour guide. Doctor Tony is a real zoologist. He taught me lots of interesting things.” Bobby stuffed his mouth with pancakes, “I want to be a zoologist when I grow up.”

“Does that mean you’ll live at the zoo?” Becca asked with concern.

Bobby stopped chewing. He looked at his parents, “If I become a zoologist, can I still live with you?”

“You can live with us forever, if that’s what you want,” Oliver said.

“Can we have a treehouse?” Becca asked Oliver.

“We don’t have a tree big enough to support a treehouse,” Oliver told her.

Becca frowned.

“Why do you want a treehouse?” Tommy asked.

“Grandpa showed us pictures of you and daddy when you were little like us and you were in a treehouse. Grandpa said that you got into a lot of – a lot of – mis – mis-” She looked to Bobby for help.

“Mischief,” he finished for her.

“Mischief,” she said proudly. “What’s mischief?”

“Trouble,” Felicity said. “Your dads definitely got into a lot of mischief growing up.”

“Like what?” Bobby asked eagerly.

“Never mind,” Felicity said. “The four of you get into enough mischief without any ideas from your dads.”

“Pink,” Prue said clapping her hands.

Everyone looked around the room to see what she was looking at.

“What’s pink, sweet pea?” Tommy asked their smiling daughter.

Her eyes lit up and she clapped her hands faster, “Flamingo.”

“Did you see flamingos at the zoo with grandpa?” Tommy said. When she nodded, he asked, “How many did you see?”

Prue scrunched her nose and looked at her hands. She held up all ten fingers before reaching for Nate. She babbled something that only Nate could understand, and he smiled. They turned to look at Tommy and they both held up ten fingers.

“Wow, that’s a lot of flamingos,” Tommy said.

“There were more than twenty flamingos,” Bobby said.

Prue frowned and looked like she was about to cry. Nate grunted at Bobby and Becca.

“Ask again, da,” Becca said.

“How many flamingos did you guys see?” Tommy played along.

Prue’s lip began to quiver until she saw her sister and brothers hold up ten fingers each. She smiled and held up her ten fingers. “Lots,” she told Tommy.

“Grandma said that flamingos are the showgirls of the zoo,” Becca said. “They’re flashy and put it all out there on one leg.”

Felicity sprayed a mouthful of coffee across the table.

The children stared at their choking mom with open mouths as Oliver clapped her on the back.

“What else did grandma say at the zoo?” Tommy asked. He laughed when Felicity glared at him.

“I don’t think we need to hear what else grandma said,” Felicity said as she mopped up her coffee with a napkin.

“Grandma told grandpa that you and dads are just like rabbits.” Becca wrinkled her nose, “I don’t think you’re like rabbits. You don’t have tales or floppy ears.”

Felicity returned to coughing and Oliver’s hand found the center of her back.

“That’s very logical, Becca,” Tommy praised as he cleared the table, trying to hide his laughter at Felicity’s obvious horror. “Who wants to go to the park?”

Four hands shot into the air.

“Let’s wash our sticky hands and faces and then we can go,” Tommy said, grateful to return to their familiar routine. Things were far from perfect, but things were always better when he was surrounded by the people he loved.

 

Later that night, after the children were asleep, Tommy, Felicity, and Oliver entered their living room. Oliver slid the living room doors closed. Ever since he’d awoken from his nightmare, Tommy had been on edge. The nightmare was on a continuous loop in his head and he felt like he was going out of his mind. Anytime he slowed down or wasn’t actively thinking about something else, it was like he fell through time and was transported somewhere else. The sense that he was trapped somewhere between the present and the past wasn’t helping him focus on what needed to be done to get his marriage back on track. Tommy stood in front of the fireplace, watching his husband and wife, uncertain of where to begin. “Thank you for coming home so quickly.”

“We never wanted to leave in the first place,” Oliver responded, a flash of hurt in his eyes.

Felicity took Oliver’s hand and gave him a censoring look before returning her gaze to Tommy’s. “You’re welcome. We missed you. This is where we want to be.” She let go of Oliver’s hand and crossed the room to Tommy. She took hold of his hand and pressed it to her heart. “I’m sorry that we went behind your back to Zatanna. We should’ve spoken to you about it, given you the option. I – we were afraid, and we allowed our fears to override our judgment. You deserved better and I’m sorry – we’re sorry.”

Tommy squeezed Felicity’s hand in acknowledgment. He looked back across the room to where Oliver stood by the doors. He was rocking from foot to foot as if he were weighing his options. He let out a sigh and walked to the end table next to the sofa and retrieved a red leather book. He placed the book on the coffee table and then shoved his hands into his pocket. “Felicity is right. We allowed fear to get our better judgment and no good decision has ever been made from fear. I’m sorry that I’ve ever made you feel like I don’t trust you. I do trust you, but sometimes you scare the hell out of me.” Oliver’s eyes filled with tears when he continued, “The night my parents woke me up to tell me you were in the hospital, I thought he’d killed you. I thought you were already dead and they didn’t want to tell me. When I saw you lying in your hospital bed, I was relieved. You were alive, and nothing that Malcolm did to hurt you mattered because you survived. Then,” Oliver took a deep breath, “then the doctor said you’d done it - that you’d hurt yourself, and I couldn’t believe it.” Oliver looked at his husband, the tears finally spilling from his eyes. “My Tommy, my Tommy, would never do that. He’d never give up. He’d never leave me, not by his own hand. He could never do that to me because my Tommy loved me, and he’d never leave me alone.”

Oliver’s words were too much. Tommy didn’t want the reminder of how much pain he’d caused his husband. “Ollie, I’m sorry, I know…”

Oliver scoffed, “You don’t know anything. You don’t know what it’s like when the person who is your whole universe decides to give up. You don’t know what it’s like when the person who is your whole universe is so sad that they forget how loved they are – how important they are. You don’t know what fear is, year after year, decade after decade, waiting for that sadness to come back and to steal away your heart – to take away your whole fucking universe.” He took another deep breath and exhaled slowly. “It’s not you I don’t trust, it’s that thing,” he placed his index finger to the center of Tommy’s forehead, “that lives in you that I don’t trust. It’s that voice that whispers in your ear that you’re not lovable or worthy or deserving that I don’t trust. It’s the demon that makes you swallow pills because it makes you believe the only way for you to find peace is to stop breathing that I don’t trust.” Oliver dropped his hand, “I trust you, but I made the decision to pour that water into your chest and I thought I’d welcomed the demon back into your head. I couldn’t let him have you. He’d come too close, too many times. I made a choice. Felicity and I made a choice. We weren’t fair, but we were afraid. I’m sorry I betrayed the trust you have always placed in me. I was wrong. I should’ve given you a choice.” He took Felicity’s hand, “Please forgive us. We love you.”

Tommy wrapped his arms around his husband and wife, lowering his head between theirs. He held them as they all wept together. He didn’t have the words to express how sorry he was for making them afraid. He hadn’t been in his right mind. He’d been too wrapped up in his own pain and fear to consider the way Oliver and Felicity had been feeling. They’d been wrong to ask Zatanna to change his memories without asking him. He might’ve agreed to Zatanna’s help if they’d asked him, but they hadn’t.

“There’s more,” Oliver said quietly.

Tommy tensed and tried to pull away, but Oliver held him tight. “Did you change other memories?”

“No, I swear that we only asked Zatanna to change your memory about Malcolm’s death, the shooting, and the Lazarus Pit.” Oliver lips brushed Tommy’s cheek and then he whispered, “We know about Colorado.”

Tommy jerked free of Oliver and Felicity’s arms. His heart began to race and the room began to spin. He gasped for breath but couldn’t fill his lungs. “Not again,” he thought to himself.

Felicity took hold of Tommy’s hands. When he didn’t respond, she let go and reached up to caress his cheek. “Tommy?” her voice was laced with concern. She grabbed Tommy’s arms as he began to sway. “Oliver.”

The panic in Felicity’s voice sent Oliver into motion. He reached Tommy just as his knees buckled. Felicity helped him move Tommy to the sofa. Their husband was shivering violently, and his teeth were chattering. Oliver pulled the throw off the back of the sofa and wrapped it around his husband. Oliver lowered Tommy’s head to between his knees and vigorously rubbed his hands up and down Tommy’s back.

“Hon, put the kettle on for tea,” Oliver said calmly.

Felicity kissed the top of Tommy’s head, “I’ll be right back.”

Oliver knelt between Tommy’s legs. His hands continued to rub Tommy’s back as he lowered his own head to rest against Tommy’s thick dark waves. “You’re safe. You’re loved. We’re here,” Oliver repeated like a mantra.

Felicity joined Tommy and curled up against his side.

Eventually, Tommy’s shaking began to subside. Oliver helped him to sit up before he returned to the kitchen to get Tommy’s tea. It seemed like only a second later when Oliver pressed a warm mug of chamomile tea between his hands. The comforting smell of the tea shook Tommy from the fog he was trapped in. “How do you know about Colorado?” he asked weakly. “Was it Walter?”

Oliver picked up the red leather book from the coffee table and handed it Tommy. Tommy placed the book on his lap and traced the monogram, MQD. “Moira,” Tommy whispered. He placed the mug on the coffee table and opened the cover of the book. Moira’s handwriting was instantly recognizable. His finger traced the elegant script as it flowed across the page.

“About ten months ago, Thea and I found some of mom’s old journals as we were going through Grandpa Jonas’ papers for SCU,” Oliver said. “This one is from 2009-2010.”

Tommy’s shoulders began to shake as he fought back his tears, “I didn’t want Thea to know. I didn’t want anyone to know.”

“Why?” Oliver asked. “Why carry this alone? This was our burden to share with you.”

“I’m so ashamed,” Tommy said shrinking into his blanket.

“There’s nothing you can tell us that will make us ever love you less.” Felicity rested her cheek on Tommy’s back. “You are our everything.”

Tommy raised his eyes to Oliver, his face crumpling, “I don’t remember a lot of what I did.” He took a shuddering breath. “I just wanted the pain to stop. I went from one blackout to the next, so I wouldn’t remember what I did. I hated what I’d become – I didn’t want to remember – it was easier not to remember.” He lowered his eyes, unable to face their disgust. “That’s why Moira took me to rehab in Colorado.”

A look of confusion and doubt was shared between Oliver and Felicity. His wife was about to speak, but Tommy wasn’t ready for a confrontation. A memory of Oliver returning home from a night spent with Thea sorting through Jonas’ papers came rushing back and he used it to distract them. “I knew something upset you that night. When you came home from Thea’s, something was clearly wrong.”

“I should’ve said something,” Oliver took Tommy’s hand. “I should’ve been honest about what was wrong, but I wanted to leave you your privacy. We had so much on our plate with Felicity and the twins, I couldn’t add this to it. I was wrong. It was wrong for me to allow you to think you couldn’t share this with us. It was selfish of me. We’ve lived with this secret for too long. Free yourself - free us from it. Tell us what happened in Colorado.”

Familiar panic clawed at Tommy’s chest. “I can’t.” It was impossible for him to tell them what he’d tried to do. There would be no forgiveness for him. They would only hate him for the truth.

As if reading his mind, Felicity said, “We already know the truth and we still love you.”

Tommy gasped in surprise. If they already knew the truth, he should have nothing to fear because they still loved him, but it was with that reasoning he decided that they couldn’t possibly know the truth. The journal was Moira’s, and Moira wouldn’t have written down what happened in Colorado. She would’ve never risked putting down the truth where someone could find it and exploit it. No, Oliver and Felicity could only think they knew the truth.

Tommy opened Moira’s journal and flipped through the pages. Her handwriting, with its elegant loops and flourishes, was instantly familiar. The ugly truth about the six months of his life he was most ashamed of were narrated in the distinct tone of the woman he considered his mom. Her confusion about his behavior quickly turned to fear and the debate she waged with herself on how best to help him made Tommy hate what he’d put her through. He’d been selfish and reckless and had caused a great deal of pain to someone who was already in plenty of pain of her own. His grief over her long absence was immediate, “God, do I miss her.”

Oliver placed his hand on Tommy’s back, “Me too. She loved you – so much. It’s in every single line she wrote.”

Tommy flipped to the date of his second overdose. There was one word on the page, his name, in her elegant hand, underlined three times. He turned the page and read aloud, his voice barely a whisper, “I can’t sleep. I’m afraid to close my eyes. He’s asleep in his bed, safe at the end of the hall. I want to lock his door and hide the key until the look in his eyes belongs to the boy I know. I fear we’re losing him. We’ve already lost Oliver, we can’t lose him too. Thea’s heart may never recover.”

He flipped the pages again. “Something must be done,” Tommy recited. He could hear Moira’s voice as he continued, “I thought Oaxaca put an end to his behavior. He promised he was done. Laurel,” Tommy swallowed heavily, “Laurel called. She came to see me at work. She sat across from me and calmly told me that Tommy had turned up on her doorstep high and hallucinating.” Tommy stopped reading to check the date at the top of the page. “I don’t remember this,” he told Oliver.

“You don’t have to read this,” Felicity said, offering to take it from him.

“I want to burn this,” he held the journal towards Oliver. If he could burn the words to ash, maybe he could destroy the truth of what they said.

“Then burn it,” Oliver stood up. “Burn it, but it won’t erase what happened, Tommy.”

Tommy regained his composure and returned his attention to the journal. Burning Moira’s journal seemed disloyal. They had so little of her left and seeing her handwriting, reading her words, no matter how painful, was almost like having her back. He continued, aloud, “He was hallucinating Oliver. Tommy was fighting with Oliver about trying to kill himself. I’ve made my decision. This stops now. He may hate me. He might never forgive me, but he isn’t going to die at his own hands. I’ve lost one son, I will not lose another. God forgive me for not acting sooner. I need to get Malcolm out of town – maybe F can help.” Tommy looked up, “F?”

“Frank Chen, I think,” Oliver answered.

Oliver’s guess made sense. Tommy nodded and turned the page, “He agreed to be admitted. His hand shook so hard his name was barely legible, but he admitted himself. He’s stronger than he thinks. I pray he realizes it. Now I wait.” He turned the page, “My sweet…” Tears stung his eyes as he read ahead. He confirmed the date on the top of the page and his heart stopped. He looked up to see Oliver and Felicity holding hands. His vision was blurry, but it was clear they knew what the next words on the page were. They had read the journal. They knew the truth - had known it for months. His worst fear had come true, but they were still standing there. They hadn’t left him. They’d continued to love him, despite what he’d done. His tears fell onto the pages and began to dissolve Moira’s words. If only his tears had the power to dissolve the truth as easily as ink. He rubbed angrily at his eyes, “My sweet…” He couldn’t keep up with his tears.

Felicity gently removed the book from his hand, “My sweet boy.”

“Don’t,” Tommy implored, wrapping his arms around himself.

“I already know what it says,” Felicity told him. “We both do. It’s okay.”

Oliver crushed Tommy to his chest, “We’re here. We’re not going anywhere.”

Felicity placed her hand on Tommy’s back. “It’s about time the three of us face this truth – together. We’ve been hiding from it for too long. It has too much power over us.” She wrapped her arm around Tommy, “I’ll burn this right now, if you ask me to, but I think it’s past time we say this out loud and face it. Tommy tell us what happened in Colorado.”

Tommy buried his face against Oliver’s chest and shook his head. He wished he was stronger and could speak the truth himself, but he’d been living in denial for nineteen years. He knew what words were going to come next in Moira’s journal and he hated himself for it. The shame he felt then was just as intense in the present. “Read it,” he told his wife.

Felicity’s fingers flexed against his sides. She continued from Moira’s journal, her voice heavy with emotion, “My sweet boy tried to jump from his window last night. He was under video surveillance and they were able to intervene in time. The doctor tells me he begged them to let him die. I thought my heart had already broken as much as it could. I was wrong. He is sedated and cuffed to his bed. The cuts on his hands, feet, and face remind me that I have failed him. I fear I waited too long to act. Rebecca, Oliver and Thea will never forgive me if he cannot find his way out of his grief. Even sedated, he calls for him. I will be haunted by his cries for the rest of my life. Why didn’t I tell them I knew the truth when it would’ve mattered? I can’t stop myself from asking if I’d told them I was okay with their love, would Oliver have gotten on the Gambit? God forgive me, I failed them both. They deserved better from me.”

“I’m sorry, Ollie. I’m sorry,” Tommy cried as Oliver held him tightly. “I tried to be strong. I tried so hard to be strong for you.”

“What happened that night?” Oliver implored. “Tell us what happened.”

“I don’t want to remember,” Tommy said, pulling free of Oliver’s embrace. He clutched his head as memories clashed like thunder in his head. So much of that time was a blackhole formed by too much alcohol and drugs, except things had begun to emerge from that blackhole and Tommy wished they’d stay lost. None of the emerging memories were strong, they were flashes of sensations and feelings - except for the bald man. He wouldn’t leave Tommy alone. “He was there that night too,” Tommy said to the moonlight spilling into the room.

“Who was there?” Felicity asked.

Tommy pointed to the window, “The moon.” It wasn’t who he’d been referring to, but it wasn’t a lie. “That night was a full moon too. It was so close, it felt like I could touch it if I reached out my window and I’d be safe.”

“Safe?” Oliver asked. “Safe from what?”

“Safe from whom?” Felicity corrected.

“The window wouldn’t open – it wasn’t meant to open, but I couldn’t breathe.” Tommy closed his eyes to the memory he wished he could forget and the secret he never wanted to share. “I needed to breathe.” His eyes opened, and the full moon filled his vision. “The moon was right there – big and beautiful. My room was filled with silver light. It reminded me of the moon at Bay Point when we would lay on the hood of my Porsche and drink beers.” He looked over his shoulder to Oliver, “Remember how it would reflect off the water?”

Oliver lips pressed into a thin smile, “I remember. It was like drowning in moonlight.”

Tommy laughed and looked back out the window. “I never understand how you think you don’t have a way with words. Drowning in moonlight are the perfect words. It was kind of like that in Colorado, except the moon was reflecting off the snow instead of the ocean but I was drowning in it – I couldn’t breathe. I was convinced that’s where I’d find you – that you were waiting for me in the moonlight and if I just stepped off the edge you’d be waiting to catch me.”

“What happened that night?” Oliver asked.

“Does it matter?” Tommy asked, closing his eyes to the moon. “I was lonely. I was afraid. I was angry. I was tired – so tired.”

“No, I don’t believe they were the reason,” Oliver said, his hand landing on Tommy’s shoulder. “Why that night? What happened that night?”

Tommy could feel a ball of hysteria rising in his chest. He didn’t want to talk about that night. He didn’t want to talk about how the man who’d haunted him back then was the same man invading his dreams now. He was more terrified of facing the truth about the man than confessing to Oliver there was another failed suicide attempt. “Nothing happened that night. The drugs and alcohol cleared my system. Reality was back in all her lucid glory and I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to be clearheaded.”

“Why?” Oliver asked.

“Why?” Tommy asked in disbelief. “Because when I was clearheaded I remembered that you were dead at the bottom of the South China Sea and I’d never see you again – I’d never hear your voice – or feel your touch again.” All of that was true. He’d been in so much pain from missing Oliver that night, but it had been more than that. Tommy remembered feeling grief, but shame and anger too. Shame that Oliver would never forgive him for what he’d become and anger that Oliver had abandoned him.

Oliver shook his head. “Why that night? Why that night and not any of the other nights? Why was that night different - what was the final straw?”

Tommy needed the questions to stop. He pulled free of Oliver’s grip, his head clutched between his hands. “He wouldn’t leave me alone,” he shouted.

“Who, Tommy? Who wouldn’t leave you alone? Malcolm?” Oliver asked, following Tommy the length of the living room.

“Who’s the man in your dream, Tommy?” Felicity asked gently. “Who’s hurting you?”

Tommy backed away from her words until he collided with the wall. He pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes, desperate to make the smiling face disappear.

_“You don’t look like you’re hurting tonight,” a man shouted over the music to Tommy as he stepped out of the men’s room. “I’ve been hoping I’d run into you again.”_

_Tommy narrowed his eyes at the man as he tried to remember the bald man’s name. He was a drug dealer that catered to the wealthy of Starling. John, no, “Jim.”_

_The man smiled and ran his finger along the inside of Tommy’s collar, “You’re looking very sexy tonight, Tom. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.” Jim’s touch made Tommy shiver, and not in the way Oliver’s touch did. He was about to step away when Jim held out a small bag, “Need a bump?”_

_Tommy was desperate for a bump. His own dealer had been a no show, and Tommy was only running on alcohol. Laurel had made clear, in no uncertain terms, that he wasn’t welcome back in her bed. He hadn’t been with anyone since Laurel, but his demons were haunting him tonight and he needed an escape. If he planned on losing himself in a woman’s bed tonight, he needed something stronger. Something that would help make him forget. He reached for his wallet, but Jim caught his hand. “I’m not interested in your money, Tom.”_

_“What is it?” Tommy said, taking the bag._

_Jim stuck his finger in the bag and held the tip of his powdered finger towards Tommy’s mouth. “Something that will make you feel good, I promise.”_

_Tommy hesitated. He wasn’t dumb. He knew that Jim was probably interested in getting him into bed. The guy was attractive, but he wasn’t who Tommy wanted in his bed at the end of the night. Jim twirled his finger in front of Tommy and he made his decision. It wouldn’t hurt to flirt with the guy a little before he found a woman who wanted to take him home. He opened his mouth and Jim placed his finger on Tommy’s tongue. Tommy closed his lips and sucked on Jim’s fingertip. Within seconds, Tommy felt like he was floating, and he didn’t care that Jim’s finger was thrusting inside his mouth or that his hips were now grinding against his._

_Jim slowly withdrew his finger from Tommy’s mouth and slid it along his bottom lip. His hips pushed forward, his erection pressed firmly against Tommy’s belly. “Fuck, you have a sexy mouth.” His hands slid behind Tommy and cupped his ass as he continued to grind his erection against him. “Your mouth isn’t as sexy as your ass, but my dick would be happy in either.” He lowered his mouth to Tommy’s ear, “I’ve been dreaming of this ass since the night in Seraphina’s bathroom. I want it. I want you.”_

_“Maybe later,” Tommy made like he was about to kiss Jim’s lips when he ducked beneath his arm. There was no reason to hurt the guy’s feelings and he had a bag full of happiness he was willing to share. “Now, I want to dance.”_

“Tommy,” Felicity said, pulling on his wrist. “Look at us.”

Tommy lowered his arms and blinked his eyes. He was no longer in a club but standing against the wall in his living room. His wife and husband were looking at him like they were afraid he was going to fly apart. He feared they weren’t wrong.  The one thing that made those six months tolerable was that Tommy couldn’t remember them.  “I don’t want to remember,” he said, turning away from their intense stares. He slid down the wall, his arms covering his face. “I don’t want to remember.”

“Talk to us, buddy.” Oliver sank to the floor in front of his husband. “Where’d you just go?”

Felicity sat down next to Oliver and placed her hand on Tommy’s knee. “Nothing you say will ever change how we feel about you.”

Tommy wanted to explain. He needed them to know how sorry he was for all his terrible choices. He dropped his arms. “If I’d known that you were both going to be mine, I wouldn’t have done it. I would’ve made different choices. I would’ve been worthy of the two of you.”

“What are you talking about? You’re our Tommy. Of course you’re worthy of us,” Felicity said with a smile. “We’re crazy about you, silly.”

“The drugs, the alcohol, the women – you deserved better than that.” Tommy slowly turned to Oliver, guilt clouding his eyes. He pressed his knuckles to his mouth and stared at Oliver. He didn’t know how to explain to his husband what he’d done after Hong Kong.

Oliver took Tommy’s hand again, “You can tell me anything.”

Tears spilled from Tommy’s eyes as he realized Oliver might think their relationship was built on a lie. He closed his eyes to stop himself from seeing the disgust that would appear in Oliver’s the moment he heard the truth. “I think there might’ve been men too - I don’t know for sure. I’m remembering things I didn’t before.” The memory of the bald man, who he was beginning to believe was real and not from his nightmares, made him want to vomit. He began to shiver again.

Tears fell from Oliver’s eyes as he knelt before his husband. He clasped Tommy’s face and pressed a kiss to his lips, “Tommy Merlyn, you are an idiot.” Tommy tried to pull away, but Oliver refused to let him go. “Do you think I care if you were with other men while I was gone?”

“You don’t care?” Tommy asked skeptically. When Oliver had learned about Tommy’s relationship with Jason in college, he hadn’t reacted negatively. He’d been curious, and yes, a little jealous, but the jealousy turned out to be less about Jason and more about Tommy being able to acknowledge his own sexuality.

Oliver looked confused by Tommy’s doubt. “I don’t understand. You’ve always been honest about the women in your past. Why wouldn’t you tell us that some of your experiences included men? Do you honestly believe it matters to me if any of them were men? I have been jealous of every person you’ve ever been with until Felicity. I never cared if they were women or men, I only cared that they weren’t me.” Oliver locked eyes with Tommy, “Nothing you did during those five years, with whomever you did them with, was a betrayal. You didn’t cheat on me.”

Tommy began to shake harder as he gripped Oliver’s arm, and begged, “Please, don’t make me remember.”

Felicity moved to sit next to Tommy. She covered his hands clutching Oliver’s, and dropped her head to his shoulder, “Babe, did someone hurt you? Did one of these men force themselves on you?”

Cold air blew across Tommy’s sweaty skin as the memory he’d been running from for almost twenty years began to pull him back under. “Ollie,” he said as he fell against his husband, “make it stop. Make him stop. Please make him stop.”

_“What are we doing here?” Tommy asked as he swayed on his feet. “It’s cold out here.”_

_Jim took hold of Tommy’s arm and began to pull him down the alley away from the club door. They navigated around a parked car towards a string of dumpsters. “I’ve got to take a piss and the line is too long inside.”_

_Tommy snorted, “You sound like a girl complaining about bathroom lines.” Lightning cut through the night sky, despite the absence of rain. “Hurry, it’s going to rain.”_

_Jim led them behind some dumpsters and leaned Tommy against the wall. He pulled the small baggie from his pocket and held it out to Tommy. “Ready to fly again?” Tommy reached for the baggie, but Jim held it out of his reach. “If you want another bump, you need to give me a kiss.”_

_Another bump was tempting, but not tempting enough to kiss the man smiling at him. Tommy had a pretty redhead inside who was a sure thing. She was very interested in spending the night with Tommy Merlyn. “No thanks, Jim. I’m not that kind of boy.” Tommy pushed off the wall and stepped around Jim. “I’ll leave you to take your piss.”_

_“Not so fast,” Jim said, grabbing Tommy’s bicep and pulling him close, “I think you’re exactly that kind of boy.”_

_Tommy’s back and head collided with the wall. Instinctively, he put his hands up to protect himself from a blow._

_Jim’s hands grabbed hold of his wrists and pulled them over his head. “Relax, baby. I’m not going to hurt you. I just want a kiss.” His hips pinned Tommy to the wall._

_Tommy was drunk and high which made thinking very difficult. Jim was stronger than he and it meant Tommy was going to need to smooth talk his way out the situation if he didn’t want to get hurt. “Jim, I’m too classy to make out in an alley that smells like piss. Let’s go somewhere else.”_

_Jim’s lips landed on Tommy’s throat, “I’m not going to let you get away this time.”_

_“I’m not trying to get away,” Tommy said pushing against Jim’s chest. “I’m trying to get us someplace more comfortable. I have a nice big bed at home.”_

_Jim’s hand landed on Tommy’s belt and began working it loose, “I don’t need a bed for what I want to do to you.”_

_It appeared the diplomatic solution was no longer viable. “Dude,” Tommy said loudly. “Get your hands the fuck off me.”_

_Jim lifted his hands up and took a step back. “Easy, baby. I just want us to have a good time.”_

_Tommy staggered away from the wall. “I’m not having a good time.”_

_He’d only made it a few steps when lightning danced between the two buildings at the far end of the alley. The smell of ozone filled the air. He saw Jim’s reflection in the car window, a sinister smile on his lips. Tommy felt like he was walking through mud and couldn’t react fast enough to what he knew was coming. He was shoved hard against a dumpster. Jim’s hand circled Tommy’s throat and pulled him against his chest. Jim’s mouth closed over Tommy’s mouth, insistent and forceful. His hand around Tommy’s throat tightened when he struggled against him, desperate to break free. Jim muscled Tommy back against the wall and shoved a pill between his lips. Tommy tried to spit the pill out, but Jim covered his mouth and nose. Tommy fought back harder, terrified that if he swallowed the pill he would lose any control over what was about to happen to his body. “Just swallow the pill, Tom. I promise, I’m going to make you feel good. You’re going to beg me for it.”_

_Tommy’s vision darkened, and small dots appeared in front of his eyes. The tablet was dissolving on his tongue and the bitter flavor made him gag. The need for oxygen overrode his logic, and he swallowed the rest of the pill. Jim rewarded his compliance by releasing his mouth and nose. Tommy took large gulps of air into his burning lungs as Jim undid his pants. His rough hand pushed inside Tommy’s pants and wrapped around him tightly. “Stop, you’re hurting me,” he gasped in pain as Jim’s dry hand tugged his dick. “Don’t, you’re hurting me.” He pushed against Jim, but the hand around his throat tightened and his head slammed back against the brick wall. Jim turned him until his face and chest were pressed against the wall. Jim let go of Tommy’s dick and began to try to pull his pants and underwear over his hips. Hot tears stung his eyes, but Tommy didn’t care. The only comfort he could take was that Oliver wasn’t alive to see him like this. Nothing mattered anymore. Tommy didn’t matter anymore. His eyes felt heavy as whatever drug Jim had forced him to take began to take effect. His knees buckled, and Jim lost his grip. Tommy fell to the ground and rolled onto his back. The asphalt dug into his back as he tried to use his legs to push himself away from his assailant. His vision went blurry and the alley began to spin. Thunder echoed down the alley, rattling the dumpster. The first drops of rain splashed against Tommy’s face. “Ollie, it’s raining – better go inside.”_

_“You worthless piece of shit,” Jim muttered as he leaned over Tommy. “Ollie’s dead. You’re mine now.”_

_He had to get up and get away from the drug dealer. Or was it his father? He wasn’t sure anymore. Tommy could no longer feel his body or move his head. A faint smell of oranges filled his nostrils, replacing the scent of garbage. He could feel himself floating away, the only sound he could hear was the beating of his heart. “Ollie,” he mumbled, “I’m sorry.”_

_Oranges._

Oranges.

“Tommy,” Oliver said firmly.

“Ollie, I’m sorry. I tried,” Tommy whimpered. “I wasn’t strong enough.”

“Tommy,” Felicity said.

The sweet smell of orange filled Tommy’s senses and finally registered with him. He opened his eyes to see the worried faces of his wife and husband. Felicity held the peel of an orange beneath his nose. He smiled sadly at the trick they’d devised to help pull Oliver from his nightmares when they refused to let him go.

“Can you tell me where you are?” Oliver asked gently.

“In our living room, with you,” Tommy answered feebly.

“You’re safe. You’re loved. We’re here. No one can hurt you here,” Oliver said.

“I know,” Tommy said, because he did. The memory had released its grip on him. He was thinking clearly.

“Can you stand up” Oliver asked, rising to his feet.

“Yeah,” Tommy said, taking Oliver’s outstretched hand.

Tommy held his hand out to Felicity and helped pull her to her feet. “Thank you for the orange, it helped.”

Felicity wrapped her arms around Tommy’s waist. “Are you okay?”

Tommy dropped his head to the top of Felicity’s, “I don’t know.”

Oliver crushed Tommy against his chest. “You will be,” he promised.

 

The next morning, the children went out to breakfast with William and Emma. Felicity joined her husbands, mother, and father-in-law at their large farm table. She placed her tablet in front of her and removed her glasses. “I hacked Starling General for your medical records that coincide with the dates in Moira’s journal.”

Tommy shifted nervously in his chair. “Did you find anything?”

“Yes,” she reached out and took his hand. “The night you overdosed at Seraphina’s, your tests came back with a cornucopia of pharmaceuticals – including rohypnol and ketamine – they’re common date rape drugs.”

“I checked the records for the officers that responded to Seraphina’s that night. There was a bathroom attendant who said that a drug dealer gave him a large tip to leave the bathroom when you entered. He saw you enter a stall together. His boss walked by as soon as he stepped into the corridor, so he ducked back inside. You were in the stall together for a minute or two before you stumbled out and lost consciousness. The man you were with, rushed out of the stall and left the bathroom. Your belt and the top button of your pants were undone,” Quentin said as he read through his notes.

“Do you remember that?” Oliver asked.

Tommy’s face turned bright red and he nodded, “I remember flashes of things, but it’s pretty muddled. For a moment I thought he was you – I allowed myself to believe he was you. When I couldn’t pretend any longer, I asked him to stop.”

“Did he hurt you that night?” Oliver prompted.

A small sob escaped Tommy’s lips. He pressed a shaking hand to his mouth and took a moment to regain his composure. With a bowed head he said, “How could I be so stupid?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Quentin said gently.

“I took the drugs willingly. I didn’t even ask what he was giving me,” Tommy said angrily.

“It doesn’t matter if you did all the coke in Corto Maltese,” Quentin said. “He took away your ability to give consent. You didn’t have to tell him no for it to be a crime.”

Tommy looked up and his eyes flashed with anger. “I said, no. I did, I told him to stop. Ollie, I swear to you, I told him to stop.”

Oliver laced his fingers with Tommy’s.

“Did he stop?” Felicity asked, dreading her husband’s answer.

Tommy’s gaze dropped to the table and he nodded his head, “Eventually.”

A groan of distress sounded in the back of Oliver’s throat. He rose from his chair and began to pace the kitchen. “Did you identify this guy?”

Quentin didn’t take his eyes from Tommy, “I did.”

“I want his name,” Oliver growled.

“How about you sit down,” Quentin said, pointing to the chair Oliver had vacated.

Oliver glowered at his father-in-law, but returned to his seat.

“It’s not like it matters,” Tommy said without looking up. “It was a long time ago.”

“Hey, babe,” Felicity put her fingers under Tommy’s chin until he looked at her, “it matters – you matter. What doesn’t matter is how long ago it was.”

“The statute of limitations has run out on sexual assault,” Quentin said apologetically, “but not on attempted murder.”

“Attempted murder?” Tommy asked with alarm.

“It would be pushing it, but we could go to the DA. He gave you drugs and you overdosed,” Quentin answered.

“Only the first time,” Felicity said, her eyes back on her tablet. “The night before you went to Colorado, you were found unconscious in an alley. The club owner didn’t want the publicity, and had an employee drop you at the ER instead of calling an ambulance. They assumed you overdosed, but once you got to the hospital, it was clear you hadn’t. They found GHB in your system – a lot of it.” She rose from her seat to kneel next to Tommy’s. She made sure he was looking at her when she said, “Because of the GHB, the doctor examined you for evidence of rape, she didn’t find any.”

Tommy inhaled sharply and when he exhaled his shoulders began to shake. Felicity slipped between his legs and wrapped her arms around his waist. Tommy’s head dropped to hers and he clung to her as he let go of all the fear he’d been holding onto since his memories started to resurface. Oliver’s chest pressed against her back and he surrounded them with his strong embrace.

When Tommy quieted, Quentin began speaking, “October 18th, 2013, James Brian Johnson was left on the hood of my squad card. His right hand and jaw were broken. His left shoulder was dislocated. He also had an arrow in his groin. There was a note pinned to his coat with a flechette. The note said one word - rapist.” He held out a mug shot to Tommy, “Is this him?”

Tommy looked at the photograph. He squeezed his eyes shut, “That’s him.”

Oliver sat heavily on his heels. “I caught him?”

Felicity could hardly believe Quentin’s words. The summer Oliver had been gone, a man had been preying on men at gay clubs. Each of the six victims had been drugged with GHB and none of them remembered their assailant. The media didn’t find the victims sympathetic and didn’t give the rapes any coverage. When Oliver had come home, she’d given him a list of cases that the cops weren’t having any luck with. The rapist had been the case he focused on first. “I remember,” she said, turning to look at Oliver. “ _That one, Felicity. Let’s find the bastard before he hurts anyone else_.”

“He’s on the sixteenth year of his twenty-five-year sentence.” Quentin said.

Tommy laughed and quickly covered his mouth with his hand.

“Are you okay?” Oliver asked with concern.

Tommy nodded, but his laughter bordered on hysteria. He doubled over as he continued to laugh. Fresh tears streamed down his face.

Felicity began to rub Tommy’s back. She sympathized with the overwhelming amount of information he’d just received.

“He kissed me and you broke his jaw,” Tommy said through his laughter. “You broke the hand he…”

Oliver grabbed Tommy by the shoulders and hauled him to his feet. He clasped Tommy’s face between his hands, “Tommy, look at me.”

Tommy’s eyes darted to Oliver’s, but it only made him laugh harder. “I killed my dad,” he gasped through his laughter. “I killed my dad. Oh god,” his eyes went wide and his knees buckled, “I killed my dad.”

“I’ve got you,” Oliver said. He cradled Tommy to his chest as he lowered them to the floor. “I’ve got you.”

“Ollie, I killed my dad. What if my mom won’t forgive me?” Tommy asked, his laughter replaced with tears. “What if she thinks I’m a monster just like him?”

Quentin knelt beside Tommy and placed his hand on his back. “You listen to me, son. There is nothing for your mom to forgive. You are nothing like Malcolm. Do you hear me? You’re nothing like him. Your dad was the monster and you protected your family from him. There is nothing to forgive.”

Tommy looked at Quentin, “I know he was a monster, but he was still my father.”

Donna placed her hand on the top of Tommy’s head, “No, baby, he wasn’t. No man who did what he did to you deserved to be called father. I know I never met your mom, but I know how much she loved you because moms love unconditionally and it’s impossible to know you and not love you. If you need forgiveness, then I forgive you. I forgive you and, I promise you, your mom, wherever she is, she forgives you too.”

Oliver cupped Tommy’s cheek, “You saved our lives. You put yourself between us and a bullet. You were willing to die for us – you almost did. You are the best man I have ever known, but I didn’t need you to take a bullet for me to know it – I’ve known how incredible you are my whole life. I know it’s not an excuse, but all the stupid things I’ve done, I’ve done because I love you. When I watched Malcolm shoot you and you fell over the side of the boat, I thought my world had ended, and then Ray, like some tech deranged angel, dropped you on the deck at my feet and you were still breathing and Sara had a miracle in her pocket – I didn’t think. Buddy, I would’ve sold my soul to the devil to save you.” He reached for Felicity’s waist and pulled her against them, “We both would’ve. Zatanna was the wrong decision. We should never have done that without talking to you first. We allowed our fear to be more important than your right to make your own choices. I’m sorry, Tommy. I know I don’t deserve it, but I need your forgiveness.”

“We both do,” Felicity said. She smiled at Tommy, “To err is human, to forgive divine.”

“No fair using lines from one of our favorites,” he said with a small smile.

“I’m so sorry, Tommy. It will never happen again. Please forgive me,” Felicity said.

“I forgive you – both of you,” Tommy said.

 

When Tommy had left the house that morning, he’d planned on going to St. Mary’s to attend mass, but when he arrived, he couldn’t bring himself to get out of the car. It had been years since Tommy had been a regular parishioner at the old church. It wasn’t until he had children that he’d even considered going back. He’d brought them to a few services, mostly around Christmas, but he no longer felt at home there. He sat behind the wheel for several minutes, listening to the rhythm of the windshield wipers and the fall of rain onto the roof of his car as he watched people open the large doors and disappear inside. His mind made up, he put his car in gear to return home. The Church no longer held answers for him. At the end of the street he impulsively decided on a different destination.

The thing that had surprised Tommy the most when he began attending temple with Donna and Felicity was how similar holy spaces felt. He hadn’t expected to find the same sense of peace praying inside of a temple as he had inside a church. It had been a relief when he realized that the piece of himself that had gone missing when he walked away from the Church after it rejected him was returned to him the first time he’d gone with Felicity to Congregation Beth Israel.

The door of the synagogue was unlocked, and Tommy slipped inside. The warmth of the building chased away the chill of the autumn rain. He sat down in a pew and closed his eyes and allowed the quiet of the building to help still his mind. It had been nearly a week since Oliver and Felicity had returned home and Tommy had been thinking a lot about forgiveness – to give it - to receive it - to need it.

A floorboard creaked, and Tommy glanced over his shoulder to see Rabbi David Liebowitz in a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt. He smiled sheepishly and waved, “Hi, rabbi. Is it okay that I’m here?”

The rabbi smiled back and entered the room, “You are always welcome.” He hesitated at the end of the pew, “May I join you?”

Tommy slid over to make room in the pew. “Isn’t today your day off?”

The rabbi shrugged, “I was catching up with some paperwork and working on next week’s service.”

Tommy couldn’t help but chuckle. It was terrible timing on his part to be having an existential crisis on forgiveness two week’s after Yom Kippur. As with so many things recently, Tommy felt like he’d left things too late. “How’s it going? Is your sermon finished?”

“It’s getting there, but I needed to stretch my legs.” The rabbi leaned back in the pew and smiled as he closed his eyes. “You look like you’re dressed for church – did you lose your way?”

“Not exactly,” Tommy answered. “I made it there – I couldn’t get out of my car. I guess it wasn’t what I needed.”

“I frequently ask myself how it is that the person who listens most carefully to my sermons is Catholic.” The rabbi tilted his head towards Tommy and grinned, “I’m not sure if I should be flattered or worried.”

“Your sermons are almost always interesting,” Tommy said.

“Almost always?” the rabbi asked.

“We can’t all be perfect all the time, rabbi,” Tommy teased. “It gives us something to strive for.”

The smile slipped from David’s face. “I haven’t see you or your family in several weeks. I was surprised when I didn’t see you for the holidays. Is everything okay?”

“It’s getting there,” Tommy said, his focus on the Torah doors. “Last year, you said that God can only forgive sins against God and human beings can only forgive sins against human beings.”

“I did. Yom Kippur is our chance to atone – to ask God for forgiveness, but between Rosh Hoshanah and Yom Kippur, you can ask others to forgive you.”

“What about sins that are both against God and a person – like breaking a commandment?” Tommy said.

“Like adultery?” David fished for the real meaning behind Tommy’s question.

Tommy glanced at the rabbi, before returning his eyes to the Torah doors. He wasn’t entirely surprised it was the sin David had gone to. The press had noticed Oliver and Felicity’s long absence and there had begun to be speculation. Given Oliver and Tommy’s well publicized histories with fidelity, adultery was a reasonable assumption, but it still stung to hear someone assume. “I wasn’t thinking about adultery – it isn’t one of my sins – or Oliver’s – or Felicity’s.” He sighed at his inability to articulate what he was thinking. If there was any commandment he was thinking about it was, thou shall not kill. “Catholicism is easy – you confess your sin, you say a few prayers, and you’re instantly forgiven – doesn’t matter if it’s taking a candy from your housekeeper’s purse or murder – you confess, you repent, you’re forgiven. It seems both fair and unfair at the same time. Someone can wrong you, never apologize, but if they go to confession it doesn’t matter because God forgives them.”

“I don’t know if Father Michael would quite agree with you,” David said. “There is still an expectation that when you confess, you’re truly repentant.”

“Yes, but I can totally bypass the person I wronged and still be forgiven. That hardly seems fair to the person I sinned against.” Tommy shifted in the pew to face David. “My dad murdered five hundred and three people. If he went to confession before he died, he’d have been forgiven without ever asking for forgiveness from the people he wronged.”

“Your father doesn’t strike me as someone who would’ve been the penitent type,” David said without judgement. “I doubt he asked God for forgiveness.”

“No, my dad thought he was God – that was the problem – or one of many,” Tommy said.

“Are you looking to find a way to forgive your dad now that he’s dead?” David said.

“That’s not possible, right? To forgive him while he’s dead? We can’t ask forgiveness of the dead or give forgiveness to the dead?”

“I think we can forgive the dead, if not for their sake, for our own. There is a grace in forgiving someone – it’s freeing to no longer carry the burden of being sinned against. There is so much energy needed when we hold onto anger and pain – focusing that energy elsewhere can only be positive.”

“What if we need forgiveness from the dead?” Tommy wasn’t sure if he was referring to his mom, his dad, or his dad’s victims.

“I’m afraid that’s a little bit trickier. It’s why I always remind everyone each year the importance of forgiving those that transgress against us, whether they’ve asked for it or not. God can then reward you by trying to turn the hearts of those who need to forgive you.”

“I gotta say, rabbi, I’m not feeling a whole lot better,” Tommy only half teased. He didn’t expect Malcolm’s forgiveness. His dad had been incapable of showing forgiveness or of finding peace. It was his refusal to forgive the man who murdered his wife that led him down the dark path. If Malcolm had forgiven his wife’s murderer, he never would’ve left Tommy behind, joined the League, been exposed to the Pit, or planned the Undertaking. Tommy didn’t need his dad’s forgiveness, he had to find a way to forgive his dad for a lifetime of pain and to forgive himself for his own list of sins. “Are we allowed to forgive ourselves?”

“If you wronged yourself, yes, I believe you can forgive yourself,” David said.

“I am a man more sinned against than sinning,” Tommy mused to himself.

David didn’t laugh, he shook his head instead. “King Lear was wrong. He thought there was some kind of cosmic balance sheet and as long as the sins he committed were fewer than the sins committed against him, he was in the clear. It doesn’t work that way. You don’t get freebies because someone sinned against you.”

Tommy had been referring to the sins he’d committed against himself balanced against those he’d committed against others, but he wasn’t ready to share those sins with the rabbi. Instead, he said, “You never met my father.” Tommy was unable to keep the bitterness from his voice. If there was ever someone Tommy deserved to hold a cosmic balance sheet against, it was his dad. Surely all the pain and suffering his dad committed against others would have to outweigh Tommy’s choice to save Oliver and Felicity’s life by ending his dad’s.

“No, I didn’t. Do you want to tell me about him?”

“Not especially,” Tommy said. Malcolm had been stealing the oxygen from every room Tommy entered for his whole life. He’d carried Malcolm with him wherever he went and he was ready to put him down. “He isn’t worth mentioning.”

“What brought you here today?” David asked kindly.

Tommy shrugged. He wasn’t entirely sure why he’d come. Things were slowly improving since Oliver and Felicity had returned home. He no longer woke up every night screaming. Even though things were better there was still this nagging feeling that Tommy wasn’t finished confronting his demons. “I needed someplace quiet. Someplace I think he might be listening.”

“He’s listening, and so am I,” David said.

Tommy closed his eyes and allowed the peace of the building wash over him. “When I was seventeen, I did something foolish – something that hurt Oliver. For a long time, we pretended that nothing happened, but I realize now that the choice I made has been with us every day since. Oliver only recently forgave me, but I haven’t forgiven myself and I’m afraid if I don’t find a way to forgive myself, I’ll always be that scared kid who makes desperate choices. My kids deserve better than that. They deserve a dad who isn’t stuck in the past. They need me to light their way.”

“Did you intend to hurt Oliver with your choice?” David asked.

“No,” Tommy shook his head. “I wasn’t thinking of anyone but myself. If I’d spared Oliver a thought, I never would’ve done it. I would’ve known my choice would devastate him.”

“Do you know why you made the choice you did? If you can answer the question, you might be able to forgive yourself,” David said.

Tommy didn’t need to think hard on David’s question. He still remembered that night and how much pain he’d been in. He had been desperate to escape his dad’s abuse. The physical pain he’d been in was nothing compared to the crushing pain of believing that his life wasn’t worth living. All these years later and Tommy still didn’t understand the compulsion that made him swallow pills or to try to step off a window ledge. Every time he made it through a cycle of severe depression, he never recognized himself when he looked back. Oliver always referred to Tommy’s depression as a demon – something that took over his mind and turned him into another person. There was a time when Tommy thought that by calling his depression a demon it absolved him from taking responsibility for his actions, but now he thought that by naming his depression he could finally forgive himself.

There had been times in his life when Tommy had felt like he had no control over his life and had decided that he could at least control his death. Malcolm’s abuse, Oliver’s death, Jim’s assault, and the Lazarus Pit had all fed his demon. Tommy was also beginning to realize that hiding his pain and keeping it secret from the people he loved also fed his demon. He was tired of his secrets and feeling ashamed. Tommy decided that he would begin to take back control. “The first time my dad hit me, I was eleven. I hadn’t seen him in years – not since my mom’s funeral. The slap didn’t hurt as much as the betrayal that it was the dad who I’d been praying would come home was the one who hit me.”

 

Tommy stepped through his front door feeling lighter than he’d felt in months. He found his family cuddling on the sofa in their pajamas watching a movie. They hadn’t noticed his arrival yet. They were all engrossed in the movie. He leaned against the doorframe and took a moment to look at his family. It struck him that every choice he’d ever made had led to this moment. Even the bad choices were critical to arriving at this moment, and he wouldn’t give up this moment for anything. He had everything he’d ever wanted sitting in the room with him. Forgiveness for himself no longer felt impossible when he looked at his children.

Without turning from the movie, Oliver’s hand reached over the sofa towards Tommy. His fingers waggled, and Tommy smiled at the gesture to join them instead of standing apart. “What are we watching?” he asked as he walked around the sofa.

“Da,” the children said with excitement.

“Moana,” Becca said as she climbed onto Tommy’s lap.

“Can we get a chicken?” Becca asked.

“No,” Oliver, Felicity, and Tommy said together.

“Can we sail to Hawaii on the Sunnybrook?” Bobby asked.

“I think that would be too long a trip,” Tommy said.

“Can we go to Hawaii?” Bobby asked.

“Please,” Becca added.

“Ask your dad,” Tommy said.

“Can we, daddy?” Bobby asked eagerly.

“Maybe over winter break,” Oliver said.

Satisfied, the children settled back against their parents and returned their attention to the movie. Oliver placed a kiss to Tommy’s temple before lowering his head to rest against his husband’s shoulder. Felicity’s fingers laced with his and Tommy brought her hand to his lips for a quick kiss.

A musical cue had four sets of eyes looking to Tommy. Prue smiled up at him. “Da, sing.”

Nate nodded his head and made the sign for sing.

“Only if you all sing with me,” he said, knowing it wouldn’t take much convincing. His kids loved to sing as much as he did.

As they launched enthusiastically into the song with the characters on screen, Tommy knew he was exactly where he was meant to be, and in that moment, he found the peace he’d spent a lifetime looking for.

**Author's Note:**

> The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 or https://twitter.com/800273TALK or https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
> 
> Thank you for reading. Your kudos and comments are what keep me writing and are always appreciated.
> 
> I offer you big squishy hugs and a reminder that Saturdays With The Green Arrow is coming very soon and this family will be fine.
> 
> Prompts are encouraged.
> 
> You can also come say hi to me on tumblr. I'm always happy to answer questions about this verse or anything else Arrow. http://realityisoverrated-fic.tumblr.com


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